Episode 126: [Step 3] How to Navigate Life's Challenges — With Compassion
In this episode of the F*ck Saving Face podcast, Judy Tsuei discusses the importance of empowering mental and emotional health for Asian Americans and voices of color.
She shares her journey of self-discovery and the significance of embracing individuality and neurodiversity. Through personal anecdotes and a heartfelt conversation with her daughter, Judy emphasizes the value of compassion, empathy, and supportive parenting in navigating life's challenges and disappointments.
Takeaways
Empowerment comes from breaking through taboo topics.
Defanging the tiger means unlocking inner strength.
Listening to children is crucial for their development.
Neurodiversity is a natural part of human experience.
Compassion can create meaningful connections.
Parenting should focus on acceptance and individuality.
Grief is a natural part of life that comes in waves.
Creating a supportive environment fosters growth.
Cultural identity plays a significant role in personal development.
Embracing one's true self leads to freedom and fulfillment.
Episode Highlights
00:00 Empowering Voices and Breaking Taboos
02:51 Defanging the Tiger: Unlocking Inner Strength
05:47 Embracing Neurodiversity and Individuality
09:09 Compassion in Action: A Story of Empathy
11:58 Parenting with Love and Acceptance
Transcript:
Judy Tsuei (00:02.688)
Welcome to the F*ck Saving Face podcast, where we're empowering mental and emotional health for Asian Americans and voices of color by breaking through taboo topics. Life may not always be pretty, but it is indeed beautiful. Make your story beautiful today. This week, we are on step three of how to disappoint your parents in 10 shameless steps. First, I want to thank everybody who's helping us get closer to that first stretch goal.
We raised over $9,000. We have 40 days to go, give or take, depending on when you listen to this episode. And if you feel like you want to contribute, whether you are Asian-American, a child of immigrants, the outcasts, the black sheep, and you want to support a movement to amplify underrepresented voices, this campaign is for you. So today, we are going to talk about defanging the tiger, which is step three. Unlock your inner strength and courage. And so this
Audio might sound a little bit different because even though I brought my mic with me on the phone, I didn't bring the adapter that goes into my laptop. And currently, I'm broadcasting to you from Spain. I brought my daughter to Europe for her first trip. I haven't been here in 25 years since I was 21, graduated from college, and decided to take a sabbatical from my first full-time job. And they were very understanding about it. So I ended up going to volunteer abroad in England.
for a holiday home for people with disabilities and different needs. And basically there was a bar on premises. You were responsible for your guests from the start of the day to the end of the day. And that included bathing and feeding them. And this was an opportunity for local nurses in Nottingham to kind of get their hours to work with patients. But they also opened up the program to people from the States. In the end, we realized that it was a little bit of a scam. And because of that, we had an opportunity to leave
earlier and the scam wasn't on the part of the holiday home, it was actually the person organizing this whole shebang from the United States. But it allowed me to travel around Europe much more than I thought that I would and I loved it. I was recently at home going through items because my parents are doing a remodel and I was able to find the scrapbook from my time in Europe, which was very timely because here I am now again and this time with my daughter who at the time when I came here
Judy Tsuei (02:22.095)
two and a half decades ago wasn't even an idea of a direction that my life would take. And so I'm very grateful to be here. We are in Bilbao. We're going to be going up to the North and exploring more of the Basque regions and Sebastian and all of these tiny little towns. And then we'll be making our way to Barcelona so that we can see Gaudi's architecture. I had wondered at first if my nine-year-old would be interested or up for this and if the architecture would be interesting to her at all.
But she definitely shows signs of my father, who was an architect and has owned a construction business his entire life. And she loves interior design and she loves building things. You should see the model of things she makes out of cardboard Amazon boxes. And so I thought this would be a wonderful opportunity for her to open up. And I think it's also lovely to see different cultures to learn in this way.
She has a few more years of elementary school before she goes into middle school and then high school and then beyond. And during this time, what I really appreciate is that the woman who runs the PTA said that her goal is to make elementary school as fun as possible for the students, that it should be a good time, you know, filled with parties and great memories because as they get older, it's going to get increasingly more difficult. And so.
I got a phone call right when we arrived from my daughter's asking where she was. This week they're doing parent teacher conferences, so they're getting out early the entire week anyways. And I felt a little guilty because as you've heard and you will hear in other episodes, being raised by a traditional Chinese family hierarchy and dynamic, I thought grades were the most important thing. And growing up, I realized that actually life skills and being resilient and resourceful are the most important things.
And in teaching my daughter that, when I did the parent teacher conference, I made sure to schedule it so that I could do it before her travels. And her teacher told me that she's at a 12th grade reading level and she's in fourth grade. So I think that if you listen to your children, if you observe them, if you know their personalities, if you can be detached from who you think that they're supposed to become.
Judy Tsuei (04:28.707)
but instead support them more on who they actually are and want to become. It's a lot of what human design is about, that we all have an individual blueprint and if we could live aligned to our blueprint, we would all work so well together as a society because we are all built so differently. And the things that we want are so different. And for some of us, having a repetitive job and a career is what lights us up. And for others of us, that's the antithesis of anything that we would want. So if we could all just live into that.
then we would have an opportunity to really help, I believe, heal the world, heal society, heal cultures by being honoring and respectful. And I think that's a lot of what Defanging the Tiger is about. It's about understanding that there are so many ways to learn. We are all neurodivergent. My daughter will tell you that she has been aware that when there was a auditorium...
assembly where they brought in different experts who were everything from neurodivergent to physically different in their abilities that she looked at the slide that someone put up for ADHD and ADD and came home and asked me, is that something that I have? Because I recognize a lot of the traits within myself. And so I told her that we are all neurodivergent. We all are learning differently. We all have different life experiences that impact us in different ways. And so
If we can honor that and understand that and learn how we respond as human beings and to build up the skills that we need into personal relationships, how to have a healthy body, how to have healthy boundaries, how to manage your money, how to pursue and be resourceful, then those are all incredible skills that will guide you and lead you, especially with universities being under different types of scandal for admissions. And who knows, I just watch a
presentation in my Goldman Sachs program where it was all about technology and how we are today preparing our children for jobs and opportunities and problems we don't even know exists yet. And so how do you do that? And I think that it's by teaching them to be whole, healthy human beings who can ask the right questions, know how to seek and find the answers, and then how to have really deeply connective relationships that amplify and underscore your mental and emotional health.
Judy Tsuei (06:46.859)
So for today's episode, I'm bringing on a special guest because it is about defanging the tiger. It is about doing things differently and finding your inner resolve and learning how to be human. And so today, when we were on the plane flying from San Diego to Munich before we transferred over to get to Spain, there was a woman. We actually moved seats because where we were sitting, it wasn't full. And so I saw a seat with more leg room. So Wilder and I moved over. And then the flight attendant told us that there was actually another woman who was sitting in our row.
So she came over and it was obvious that she was distressed, that she was having high emotions at the moment. And so Wilder and I, you know, got our things together. We put them underneath the seat and got ourselves comfortable. And then the woman was settling in. And after she sat down, she was crying and very obviously crying. And Wilder looked, and I looked at each other and Wilder said she felt bad. And I said, I understand. And there's that
interesting dynamic in adulthood where you're trying to honor someone's privacy or I think there's many opportunities for connection and compassion and empathy that we don't take because we don't we don't want to look foolish and we don't want someone else to look foolish. I don't know if the stat is true but I've heard that the highest hazard of choking is because we get embarrassed that we're choking and so we're not asking for help and again I don't know if that's true but if it is you know our lives actually depend upon this so we were
respectful of her space and then she looked at us and she said, I'm sorry, you know, I don't mean to be so emotional. And we told her that's totally okay. Is there anything that we can do? Is there any way that we can help? And we came to find out that she had been in San Diego, flying from Madrid to San Diego. Now she was flying back because her mother had just passed away. So Wilder and I had an opportunity to talk to her.
hold space for her. And then I'm gonna let you hear from Wilder what happened next as I was dozing in and out as we had a 13-hour flight ahead of us. Okay introducing Wilder, this is my daughter. Hi! And we just arrived a little bit ago to our hotel in Spain. Even though we're tired, we're taking the time to do this because this is important. And Wilder recently told me something that if you support the Kickstarter you'll see
Judy Tsuei (09:09.293)
the story in update number four, a version of it, and if you subscribe to my newsletter, you will likely get more updates about this. But recently the other night, what did you say to me, my love? Who showed up? Your grandma. Mm-hmm. And then what did you tell me before you were going to sleep? I told you that she was watching over us. Mm-hmm. It's true. I felt like her presence. Mm. And then what else did she tell you that she wanted you to let me know?
I think you that she's proud. Yeah, think that... yeah, I said that I think she would be really proud and that she is proud and that she's watching over us. And she likes the work that I'm doing. So today, how did you feel when you saw that woman sitting next to you on the plane? I felt empathy and I wanted to check on her.
because I don't like it when people are sad and of course I know it's a part of life but suffering is not very comfortable. did you end up having conversations with her? Mm-hmm. Yeah. And she actually, almost the end of the flight when there's like two hours left, she bought me a bracelet and it was really nice. And why did she buy the bracelet for you? Does she say she wanted you to... To remember her?
And yeah. How did it make you feel once you were able to talk to her about her sadness? I don't know. Did she feel better? She felt better. And I told her that I know how grief feels because I had a hamster and he passed away. And that grief, does it come in expected ways or unexpected ways? It's kind of like waves.
When you're on a beach, it's like a wave. Like when you're on a beach, it's like a wave. Like a wave of grief. And it comes and goes in like different times. And so often you've told me that you like the way that I parent you. I do. Yeah. And what do you like about it? I don't know. I just like it. You like it. Do you think it fits you? Yeah. It's because you're like...
Judy Tsuei (11:28.591)
assertive but like not in a mean way and do you feel like it supports you in growing up into the person you want to be? yep and you were the woman who sat next to us actually asked how old you were and why did she say what why did she want to ask how old you were? do you remember? no and she said she looked at your size and she didn't think that you were that old but the way that you were talking to her
she felt like you were definitely more aware and more mature, huh? Yeah. Yeah. And so I've told you some stories about the way that I was raised and how I was raised differently than you were raised. And what have you told me before? What have you thought about it? Do you have any thoughts? Like, would you like to be raised like that? No, I like the way that you raised me. Mm-hmm. And do you feel like even though we get into fights because we're both strong personalities,
and we get into arguments sometimes, we both want to do things our way. What do we do to make things right and healthy between us? We apologize. We talk about it. Yeah, we talk about it, that too. Do you feel safe talking about things with Mama? Yes, I do. Yeah. And if you could tell somebody else who's either a kid or a parent, what would you want them to know about...
parenting or about life or anything that you want to talk about, what would you want them to know? I don't really know. I don't know. If you were talking to another parent, what would you tell them is your best tip for parenting kiddos? Like, don't have like really high expectations and expect them to do like amazingly.
great if that's a word. I don't know if amazingly is a word. But to like embrace their personality and like let them be who they are. And what feels good about being who you are? What feels good about that? Like you're just who you are and you're the most, you're like the most free spirited you can be. And I think it just like helps your mind in a way and you can like.
Judy Tsuei (13:51.511)
just achieve more things. So you don't feel burdened by things. You can feel free to be you. Yeah. And if you were talking to another kiddo, what advice would you give to another kiddo? Because I know that you've given advice before to other kids whose parents have gone through divorce and things like that. And you say that I know where you are and I know where you've been. But if you had to give advice to another kiddo right now, what would you say? Always be yourself.
Let your inner spirit shine through. Well we are off tomorrow to explore the city and we are very excited about it. Wilder said she had very good feelings about this trip when we were at the airport today in San Diego getting ready to fly here. And we just wish you a wonderful day, week, year, lifetime.
Wherever you are, just know that you can create a beautiful story for yourself and your life. And if you need support in any way, you can go to judytsui.com and you'll see all the stuff that I'm doing with women of color, executives and leaders from neuro-linguistic programming coaching to personal branding work. And you can listen to this podcast and share it with anybody else in your life. And you can support the Kickstarter because that book will be full of stories and examples.
so that you can at least see a different perspective of a way that you can defang the tiger and that you can create a new reality, one that honors where you are and the family of origin that you had and do important healing work to be who you want to be and do what you want to do and live how you want to live. So sending you all the love.
Judy Tsuei (15:34.041)
Thank you so much for listening to today's episode. If you'd like to support me and this show, please go to iTunes and leave your review. It means so much to me and it'll help others find this podcast. I'll catch you in the next episode. And if you'd like to stay in touch between now and then, please visit wildheartedwords.com and sign up for my weekly newsletter. I've had people share with me that it's the best thing to arrive in their inbox all week. Aloha.
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Keywords: Asian Americans, mental health, emotional health, parenting, neurodiversity, empathy, cultural identity, self-acceptance, personal growth, family dynamics
