Leaving for Spain in 7 days...
In just 7 days, my daughter and I leave for Spain for her Fall Break...
In the last 7 days:
I've signed on 3 new clients totaling an estimated $35K for everything ranging from NLP coaching to branding services
108 backers have supported my Kickstarter to meet our stretch goals before the campaign ends in 46 days
As of today, I've published 123 F*ck Saving Face podcast episodes
My first video went viral on TikTok, currently at 46K+ views.
But the number I'm thinking most about? 2.
Serendipity abounds in my life and as I sat in my living room, watching reruns of the show Bones, a newly engaged couple asked one another:
"Do 2 people make a family?" the man asks.
"2 people is how a family starts," the woman responds.
Recently, my daughter and I had a breakthrough moment revolving around the fact that she calls her stepmom, "Mom."
I sat down next to her one evening, thinking this could be one of those conversations where you potentially scar a child for life, and said:
"Babe, I'm not quite sure what to say or how to say it, but I'm curious about this recent thing that happened..."
Turns out, she was holding a lot of grief inside.
My daughter started crying, telling me that there's a part of her that still wishes her father and I could still be together.
"I know it won't happen, but I still want it," she acknowledged.
Two of my adult friends whose parents divorced when they were young told me the same thing:
"We're in our 40s and we're still sad about it — there's something about that sense of wanting a family that never goes away."
This past weekend, I realized the things I want the most I push away, thinking they're so tender to my heart that I won't even acknowledge I want them, because somehow, maybe that'll spare my heart from being broken.
For most of my life, I've settled for less than even daring to ask — or, more accurately, daring to want.
When you're not taught that you're enough just as you are, you often make the container for your dreams smaller than you deserve because you didn't realize you could take up space.
I hadn't truly been aware, like my daughter, how much I held my own grief around the idea of family...
The family I never got growing up.
The family I never got in my marriage.
And now, the family I maybe can't give to my daughter.
But, I've begun to dare to want. The next step is to dare to ask.
It started with my professional dream: writing my memoir.
I finally decided after a decade of "trying" different approaches to pursue Kickstarter for How to Disappoint Your Parents in 10 Shameless Steps: A Modern Asian American Guide.
Within 26 hours, I raised $5850 — the number is now growing closer to $9000.
In business, that's called "proof of concept."
In life, when it comes to pursuing the most vulnerable dreams closest to your heart, I believe that's called "bravery."
Now that I have proof of concept in one area of my life, I'm applying it to another: my heart.
I'm now allowing myself to want, daring to ask, openly putting it out there to see if my most tender hopes can come true.
Being the black sheep of the family, the outcast in my culture, the one who couldn't fit into a corporate job, the one who got divorced? Well, if you're the antagonist, the disruptor (which my latest podcast guest Nicole F. Smith reveals more about below), it's an extremely lonely journey.
It's this everpresent quiet asking:
Are you my person?
Are you my people?
Do you see me?
Do you want me?
Will you love me as I am?
Is it even possible for me to have everything I've ever wanted?
From now until we leave for Spain, I'll be seeing my trainer every day.
"I'm going to turn you into a killa," he said to me this weekend.
We've started sparring.
He's started hitting me back. Jabs in the ribs. Knuckles in the kidney. Punches to the stomach, my shoulders, the sides of my head.
He's getting me to a point where I have muscle memory about what to do to protect myself in any situation.
By building my strength in this area of my life and tangibly seeing how I'm stronger and more capable than I think, it's been building my confidence — this allows me to pursue the things that up until now, I hadn't even been willing to believe were possible.
It's also no wonder that my cohort for the Goldman Sachs 10,000 Small Businesses Program is numbered 2-2-2.
2. We all have to start somewhere.
Where are you beginning?
Love,
Judy
