EPISODE 28: HOW TO PROTECT YOUR BODY

Sep 24

Takeaways

Growing up in an Asian household, I was never allowed to close the door to my room. We weren’t taught to have privacy — in fact, privacy was seen as shameful. My parents fought in front of us, they berated us in front of other people, and they never kept any sort of healthy boundaries. They also continually made us defer to authority, to elders, to teachers, to anyone in a position of power. It makes sense then, that into adulthood, I would never know when to advocate for myself. I didn’t know that I was worthy of fighting for.

In today’s episode, we hear about different instances in which I trusted the medical establishment and it violated boundaries that I didn’t know I had a right to uphold. Then, on Wednesday, we speak with successful entrepreneur and chair of TheBreasties.org, Mary Dee, who shares her journey into recovering from breast cancer and how she had to learn to medically advocate for herself as a woman who didn’t look like any of the participants in the clinical studies her doctors were citing when it came to recommending a treatment regimen.

In this episode, I also mention how the NIH is now creating a research program, All of Us, to gather data from more people of color. As they state on their site,

Too often, health care is one size fits all. Treatments meant for the “average” patient may not work well for individual people. Health care providers may find it difficult to coordinate care among specialists or to access all of a patient’s health information. Researchers may spend lots of time and resources creating new databases for every study.
All of Us is working to improve health care through research. Unlike research studies that focus on one disease or group of people, All of Us is building a diverse database that can inform thousands of studies on a variety of health conditions.

We also talk about:

Transcript

Welcome to the F*ck Saving Face podcast. I'm your host, Judy Tsuei, and together we'll explore mental and emotional health for Asian Americans, especially breaking through any taboo topics. Life may not always be pretty, but it is indeed beautiful. Let's make your story beautiful today. This week, we're going to be talking about advocating for your own health and wellbeing.

I think that growing up as an Asian American, I wasn't really taught to challenge authority. In fact, I was probably taught the opposite of that, where I was supposed to fall in line. We weren't told to raise our hands. School or in class, they didn't want us to stand out. My parents didn't want us to stand out.

And so I was constantly faced with these opposing beliefs at school. In this Western culture, I was supposed to be independent, think independently, be a critical thinker, you know, show up, show all of my gifts, be unabashedly and not really needing to be humble that I was special for who I was. Then at home, I was taught the opposite that I had to defer to all the elders that I wasn't allowed to ask questions or challenge what they told me, especially if they were disciplining me and that, you know, I was supposed to create harmony in the household that I wasn't supposed to create or add to any of the conflict.

So it was really challenging to have these opposing beliefs and then figure out how to navigate what was right for me. And it wasn't well into adulthood until I really figured out a way to do that. And. I think like so many of us, we're still figuring it out day by day throughout the rest of our lives.

We're learning how to master ourselves. This week on Wednesday, I interviewed Mary Dee and she is the chair of an organization called thebreasties.org. So she was diagnosed with stage two breast cancer when she was 40 years old. And she started realizing that in her pursuit of treatment, she was only presented with certain Western options that she really wanted to pursue holistic route, but as the doctor has presented her studies and research, they were all done on white participants and in the doctor's rooms, she was never seeing anybody who looked like her. So she really had to advocate for what she wanted and advocate to see, where are the research and the stats for people who look like me for other fellow Asian American women.

And it was a huge journey that caused her to want to be an advocate for other women, finding themselves in similar situations. I was recently listening to another Asian American podcast. And one of the sponsors on their podcast was all of us. It's a research program that wants to study people of color marginalized populations, because specifically what Mary was addressing that a lot of times we aren't the populations that are taken into consideration when they're doing clinical studies.

Whatever your beliefs are about science, about clinical studies, about, you know, the pharmaceutical industry. I think it's important to be represented in all facets of life. And so, you know, from the interview that we did with Kat Zhang, where she really wanted to have kids in stories who looked like her so that other kids could identify themselves to, you know, this topic right now of science, of being able to be represented in scientific studies.

To be able to bring to your doctor's attention, unique things that you experience as a child of immigrants, let's say, or as an Asian American. So in today's personal essay, you're going to hear my experiences with different doctors, with different professionals, quote, unquote, and how I didn't have a voice to advocate for the things that I needed or that I wanted, or that was best for me.

Because again, I wasn't taught that speaking up for me. Was important or that I was even worthy of being spoken up for, I think for so many people in this life, we struggle with this feeling of worthiness of, are we enough? Am I worthy of being loved? Am I worthy of being protected? And if you've ever. Been raised in a situation or been in a relationship in which those boundaries were compromised and you weren't respected and you weren't treated well.

It's easy to internalize that you aren't worthy or that you don't deserve these things. And you're not alone. I think when I was divorcing my husband, as I started to open up about the state of our marriage and the things that had happened during that time, The other women that I opened up to would share so many personal stories of how they were in emotionally abusive situations, how they were in physically abusive situation.

These women who were so smart, you know, outspoken strong, accomplished. I was so surprised that they had gone through these experiences too. And I think often. Especially, if you're an intelligent person who's done a lot in your life, who's created a lot of accomplishments who, you know, has built things from scratch, whatever it is that it can be shocking to yourself and your own system to find yourself in a compromised situation, you might wonder, how did I get here?

What the hell happened? You know, and then feel guilt and shame and not want to bring it up because of the fact that you feel like this isn't who I am. So I don't want other people to perceive me like this, or I don't want people to know that I'm struggling or I'm hurting. And all of us is to say that I hope that if you find yourself in those spaces, that you do find the courage and the bravery to speak up for yourself and to realize that you didn't do anything wrong, that sometimes life happens.

And how do we move forward from here? How do we get the resources and the support that we need to thrive? I sat on the doctor's examining table. As he made his way around me, I had kept my clothes on because he was a chiropractor after all. We'd already had a few sessions. I thought I liked him. I saw photos of his Asian wife and they're half Asian, half white son and daughter.

Then as he was working to adjust by back neck and shoulders, he reached his hand down the color of my t-shirt down my sports bra, moving his forearm down my cleavage until he got to the side of my ribs. Is this necessary? I thought, but it didn't say anything. I didn't know what to say. I didn't have the words.

He was a chiropractor, a professional. He had this thriving practice in LA. Was this just normal? And I didn't know, he finished the adjustment. I thanked him quietly awkwardly, and then I left the office feeling uncomfortable. A couple of weeks later, I would be at a writing group hosted by a woman Coleen and her Los Angeles home.

There were other women there. They were all white. We were bustling around, we got settled. We did our writing and I had gotten to know a few of them. Vaguely. I learned of their professions. I'd heard their stories whenever we read in a circle and gave one another feedback during a break, we got up, you could hear glasses clinking.

We were moving over to the snacks and there was quiet chatter all around this. Hum. Some laughter began to fill the room. And one of the participants, a brunette woman in her early fifties was also a chiropractor. I made my way over to her. I was curious. So I asked, excuse me, uh, I have a question. If you don't mind.

She turned to me, she smiled. I was just at this chiropractor's office recently. And while I had a question about his procedure or the way that he worked, cause I just wanted to see if this was normal. She nodded this kind smile still on her face. Um, well he reached his hand down my shirt to give me an adjustment.

Is that normal? The smile on her face faded immediately. She started to look horrified. What did you say he did well. He was adjusting my back and my shoulders. And then he reached his hand down my shirt and no, she said that's absolutely not normal. It is unnecessary to do that. Given the kind of adjustment that he was working on for you.

Who is this man? I told her, Oh my God. She said, I've sent my mother to see him. During a regular physical at another doctor's office. I was seated on the examining table. I was in my mid twenties and I was working on getting over my eating disorder. You know, the physician said with his long white lab coat, as he turned back towards me, I actually work with this company where we sell these supplements.

Uh, you might want to look into it. I could, you know, sign you up as a distributor. What I asked. I worked for Herbalife at the time. So I was very familiar with MLM, multilevel marketing companies. And I was shocked. Was this doctor trying to pitch me to become a distributor? Wasn't he a doctor I'm feeling anxious.

I told the Asian-American psychiatrist. I had learned by now that there was a difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist and that a psychiatrist could prescribe medication. During the time that I was in my eating disorder, intensive outpatient therapy program, I was mentioning how my anxiety seemed to keep mounting and mounting, and I didn't know how to handle it anymore.

So my therapist suggested that maybe I see a psychiatrist just to see what other options were available. I can't walk down the street without having my heart racing out of my chest. I told this woman, she was stout. Short with short cut hair. She had a button down, dark black shirt on with this maroon pattern of birds on it.

She didn't smile, but she didn't not smile either. She sat in her plush chair, no book on her lap pen in hand and listened to me. I, I mean, my therapist told me to talk to you about some potential medication options to help me deal with this. I just, I thought maybe I could give those a try. I asked her I'll prescribe Zoloft.

She said after 15 minutes of meeting me, our entire session was about 20 minutes. Oh, okay. I took the prescription. I filled it. I trusted her. And then for the next three weeks, I could not understand why I began to feel like I was in such a deep fog, this thick gauzy haze that had me exhausted. I would have to leave my job at Herbalife to go home at lunch about 10 minutes away to take a nap for as long as I could only to come back and try to muscle through the rest of the Workday.

I was barely able to stay awake once I returned. It didn't occur to me for two months that maybe it was the medication that I was on that was doing this. I didn't have any follow-up sessions with her. I just had this prescription and that was it. So I didn't want to take it anymore. I reschedule an appointment.

I told her that I didn't want it. I didn't want to go back. We sat side by side at this fashion show. What am I doing here? I asked myself this was yet another chiropractor yet. Another man. He owned a training facility where I had gone to after I had had foot surgery so that I could restrengthen my foot.

I worked with his trainers. I worked with his massage therapists, but somehow I ended up here with this chiropractor who seemed to be hinting at transgressions. He had a wife, they had children, she co owned their practice. I knew her. I spoke with her every time I went for one of my sessions. How did I get here?

He began to scoot closer. His comments became increasingly flirtatious with every cocktail. I've got to go. I told him, and then I never scheduled another session with him. If I went back, I only worked with his trainers, his massage therapists. I never wanted to be alone with him again. That's your vagina.

The OB GYN said in an almost disgusted tone, you pee out of the opening of your urethra, not your vagina. I felt deeply shamed. I didn't know. I wanted to shout at her. I didn't know. My mother never taught me about my body parts. She didn't want to talk about these things in Mandarin and I probably wouldn't have understood if she did.

And she didn't have the words in English. When I got my period, she almost threw a maxi pad in my direction. And that was it. We've never had a conversation about sex or anything, but how do you tell a white woman doctor about your immigrant Chinese mother? How do you tell her that you being in your late twenties?

You're still not sure what happens down there every month. We didn't talk about the body in our house. We only learned that sex is not okay. And that only sluts have sex. How could I ask more questions to a doctor who was upset that I didn't know about my own body? This week, we explore advocating for your medical rights on the podcast.

We're going to talk to Mary D she's the chairman of the board, as I mentioned for the breastfeeds.org. And she had to advocate for her health when she was diagnosed with stage two breast cancer at 40 years old, because she realized she wasn't seeing any other Asian American women in the offices that she went to.

I was really into. By her story of encouraging you to not be afraid to ask for questions. And if you're like me and you've dealt with a medical establishment in any capacity or form, then you've probably come across some doctors who didn't really have time for you, who didn't really want to answer your questions.

And so now more than ever, I think it's important that we understand what our rights are. What's right for us. What's right. For our bodies. What's right. For our preferences. And I believe that all of us can be into advocate for our own wellbeing. Like never before. I hope that even if you aren't taught to speak up to ask questions, to be a critical thinker or to challenge authority, that it's not too late to learn how to do that now.

And. As a mother, I really try to encourage my daughter to have the words, to know that just because someone's bigger than her, just because someone's older than her, it does not mean that they have authority over her. And that it's a challenging, different belief in the house that I grew up in where you were supposed to be different to any elder, no matter what.

And I think it's important to be respectful of others, but again, just because someone's older than you or in a position of authority or. Has a title or has had certain accomplishments or successes. It doesn't mean that they have the right to dictate for you. What's best for you. And so I really try to instill the sense of innate inherent, intrinsically driven, motivation to speak up for her.

You don't have to take what people tell you as truth, and it's okay for you to speak up. And sometimes when you do, you will be met with people who don't like, what it is that you have to say, and they will do what they can to continue to enforce their position. But you know, in a lot of what we do in mindfulness practices, we learn how to own what's ours to be responsible for what's ours.

We learn that. We don't have to be in that victim space, but we are empowered and to return whatever somebody else's as their journey, what they need to deal with, what they need to grow through. I hope that in this week you hear about how one woman learn, how to speak up for herself and created her own healing journey from breast cancer.

And then on Friday, we'll come back together to learn how to strengthen that ability within you to really know that you're worthy and advocate for your needs. And what's right for you. I'll see you then. One more thing. If you're loving the show, please do go rate us on iTunes. I know it can be a little bit tricky.

The user interface, as much as I love Apple and Mac products, it doesn't seem to be very easy. And I've had a lot of people ask me how to go about even just clicking the five stars or writing a review. If this podcast has been serving you in any way, that would be awesome because it helps to, you know, boost us in the algorithm so that other people can find this content too.

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