EP 106: The Most Unexpected Encounter with My Deceased Grandmother [Memoir Excerpts]
Grandmothers have a special place in our hearts. Mine had a profound impact on my life. As our roles reversed in her later years, I cherished our walks and the wisdom she imparted.
My discovery of an old video confirmed her love for me, a moment of comfort amidst overwhelming emotions.
In an emotionally charged session with a medium, I connected with my deceased grandmother. The experience filled me with a mix of longing and reassurance. To this day, I hold on to her words — she is always with me. The spiritual encounter has become an integral part of my memoir.
Unveiling My Memoir: A Journey of Self-Discovery, Relationships, and Overcoming Challenges
Excavating through old writings, I discovered a piece titled "Reiki and the Reappearance of My Grandmother," a vivid recounting of the end of a relationship, my struggle with an eating disorder, and my decision to prioritize my well-being. There's a narrative power in our personal histories, the lessons we've learned, and the paths we've walked.
The Power of Writing and Reflection
Despite not having new chapters for my book, I have a collection of writings from previous writing groups that I am eager to incorporate into my memoir. These snippets of my life, such as "Reiki and the Reappearance of My Grandmother," offer a glimpse into my journey of self-discovery, relationships, and overcoming challenges.
The End of a Relationship: A Turning Point
One of the most profound moments in my life was the end of a significant relationship. The signs were there, and I had to make the difficult choice to prioritize my well-being. This decision also marked my struggle with an eating disorder, a battle that I had to fight for my health and happiness.
The Facade of Relationships and the Journey Home
Returning to the US brought a wave of relief. I was no longer running from my problems. Instead, I was facing them head-on. Moving back in with my parents was challenging, but it was a necessary step in my recovery. I had to confront the facade of my past relationship and the realization that it was built on false pretenses.
A Grandmother's Love: A Lifelong Impact
My relationship with my grandmother played a significant role in shaping who I am today. Despite not always meeting the cultural expectations of respect for elders as a child, I loved my grandmother deeply. After her passing, I was tasked with fulfilling various rituals, one of which was sorting through old VHS tapes. Watching these tapes, I saw my grandmother's love for me and felt validated in my feelings.
The Healing Power of Solitude and Reflection
During times of overwhelming emotions, I found comfort in driving alone and using it as a form of meditation. I also rediscovered journals from my childhood. Reading through them, I realized the self-loathing and negative thoughts I had were not my own, but rather imposed upon me by the adults in my life. This realization brought me a sense of relief and understanding.
A Moment of Vulnerability: Connecting with the Past
During a healing session with my friend Cara, I experienced a moment of vulnerability. Despite my skepticism, I kept an open mind about Reiki, a form of energy healing. To my surprise, I felt a connection with my deceased grandmother during the session, a moment that left me in awe and contemplation.
A Session with a Medium: A Gift from the Past
In a session with a medium named Cara, I felt a deeper connection with my grandmother. Cara mentioned a gift from my grandmother, symbolized by the color red. This experience left me with a sense of longing and a desire to share my experience with my family.
Food, Family, and Self-Image: A Complex Relationship
Growing up, food played a significant role in my family. From my first encounter with cream cheese to the traditional Chinese refrain of "Have you eaten yet?" serving as a way to express affection, food and love were intertwined in my household. However, being the only Asian person in the room discussing body image issues was a struggle that I had to face.
A Work in Progress: Advocacy for Mental and Emotional Wellness
My life, like the stories I share in my book, is a work in progress. I am an advocate for mental and emotional wellness for Asian Americans and voices of color. I encourage everyone to break through societal taboos and live a life that feels aligned with their true selves.
In closing, I want to express my gratitude for your support. I invite you to connect with me through my contact form and LinkedIn profile. Let's continue this journey together, sharing our stories, and learning from each other.
Episode Highlights
Reiki and the reappearance of my grandmother (00:02:46)
The speaker reflects on her relationship with her ex-partner and the significance of a lost ring.
Battling an eating disorder (00:04:13)
The speaker discusses her struggle with bulimia and the choices she had to make for her health.
The end of a relationship (00:06:16)
The speaker recounts the end of a relationship and the emotional aftermath of the breakup.
The video from my grandmother's birthday celebration (00:12:03)
The speaker reminisces about finding a video of her grandmother's birthday celebration and feeling loved and accepted by her grandmother.
Discovering self-loathing in old journals (00:13:54)
The speaker reflects on reading old journals filled with self-loathing and realizing that it was the adults in her life who made her believe she was awful.
A spiritual encounter during a reiki session (00:18:38)
The speaker has a reiki session with a friend and is surprised when her friend mentions that her deceased grandmother is present, leading to a moment of emotional connection.
The grandmother's presence (00:19:37)
Reflecting on the speaker's memories of her grandmother and her longing for her presence.
The color red (00:20:34)
Discussing the significance of the color red and its association with good luck in Chinese culture.
Dealing with an eating disorder (00:23:53)
Sharing a snippet from the speaker's book about her experience with an eating disorder and the cultural differences in food preferences.
The bowl of rice and American food (00:29:44)
The speaker reflects on her childhood memories of enjoying American food with her father and the significance of food in her Chinese culture.
Discovering salad dressing (00:30:44)
The speaker shares her experience of trying different salad dressings for the first time and how it opened her up to new flavors and possibilities.
Advocating for mental and emotional wellness (00:32:44)
The speaker expresses her mission to advocate for mental and emotional wellness, particularly for Asian Americans and voices of color, and invites listeners to support her work.
Links Mentioned:
We Can Do Hard Things Podcast episode with Glennon Doyle interviewing Oprah
Transcript:
Judy Tsuei (00:00:02) - Welcome to the F*ck Saving Face podcast, where we're empowering mental and emotional health for Asian Americans and voices of color by breaking through taboo topics. Life may not always be pretty, but it is indeed beautiful. Make your story beautiful today. This episode is going to be completely imperfect. There is construction going on across the road. I'm trying to wrap up the workday, and what I really wanted to have ready was another sample from my memoir, because the episode that I recorded two episodes ago has gotten such great traction and so much feedback from people who potentially would, you know, quote unquote, not be in my target audience. And I'm very, very grateful for it. There has been so much that's been going on in my life in the last week, in the last few weeks, actually. And I spoke with my therapist yesterday who said that I need to start learning to separate my public from my private life. She understands that this is extremely hard for me as a writer, someone who processes externally, someone who shares so much of myself in my writing and I still plan to do so, but she just advocated for me to not do that while I'm in the middle of processing some really, really big things.
Judy Tsuei (00:01:29) - I am so, so grateful to the lead writer on my team. She's been absolutely remarkable since I hired her, probably around two years ago, and she shared with me a podcast episode in which Glennon Doyle is interviewing Oprah and the things that they say about what you gleaned from the trials that you go through, from the challenges that you grow through, how it really forces you to distill who you truly are, who you believe yourself to be, and how you find your truth. No matter what anybody else is saying about you to you is absolutely the message that I needed. So I will link that episode in the show notes because it's everything that I needed to hear. So even though I did not have an opportunity to write specifically, you know, new chapters for my book or to continue to contribute to my memoir, what I have is actually so much writing that I have done in previous writing groups when I was living on Hawaii, on Kauai, and these things that I've compiled and held together because I knew eventually I wanted them to become part of my book.
Judy Tsuei (00:02:46) - So they're unrefined, as I mentioned at the start of the episode, completely imperfect, but they were filled with emotion when I wrote it. They were filled with emotions and authentic feelings when I read them to the writing group, and they still have the sentiments and the messages that I want to extrapolate on continue to build upon. In the book that I'm working on now, I'm going to read, you know, a couple of snippets that may or may not make it into my book, but they will definitely be part of the story. And there's going to be something about Reiki, about my grandmother, about relationships, and something that alludes to the eating disorder that I had to battle for over 15 years, something that truly formed my identity when I was in my late teens and early 20s all the way into my early 30s. So here we go. This one is tentatively titled Reiki and the Reappearance of my grandmother. I knew that my relationship with wing was over when I asked the universe what to do, what my heart already knew it wanted to do, the simple golden ban he had, quote unquote, proposed to me with by the side of the freeway on the way to Northern California, had fallen off the chair I used as a side table in my Santa Monica studio apartment.
Judy Tsuei (00:04:13) - The thing is, the ring was on a flat surface. Nothing would have moved it around. But I woke up from a nap and after asking for a sign, the ring was on my hardwood floor. It would still be another year and a half of miserable arguing of him fleeing to Dubai to see his best friend on Christmas Eve, rather than coming home with me to see my family of him placing all our shared memories on a haphazard pile on the bed of the apartment we would share in San Diego before I finally said enough is enough. Until then, I cried. My grandmother had passed when I was 21, but I didn't truly grieve her death for six years. In that time, I had broken up with another long term relationship. I had run away from myself to the opposite side of the country for a job in South Carolina. Then, when my bulimia ramped up again, I tried to run harder, this time to the other side of the world to live in Shanghai, China, as an editor of an English language magazine.
Judy Tsuei (00:05:17) - By then, my body was falling apart. I'd stop getting my period on a regular basis. The enamel on my teeth began to wear so that, sticking my tongue against my teeth, I could see through them to the shadow of the shape beneath them. I felt my heart aching and my breath was harder to catch. I knew I had two simple choices one. Go back home to deal with my eating disorder head on, or to stay in Shanghai and die. The choices were simple, though not easy, and I still resisted. I wanted to persist in this dream life I had created. But the same boyfriend I had broken up with came for a visit with two friends, and I decided during that trip that I would use it as an impetus to fly back. I couldn't get on the same flight as they had. So while we rendezvoused in China for a week and then went off to play in Thailand, by the time we were arriving back on the mainland, I was completely alone. Clint, I always say that he was my true love.
Judy Tsuei (00:06:16) - Steve was my first boyfriend in college and he was my first love, Clint. The next one was my true love, and after that, I wanted to find the love that would last me for the rest of my life. But Clint, we hadn't been together for at least a year. He existed at the opposite emotional spectrum of me. I was warm and emotional. He was distant and logical. When he wanted to lean in, I could not feel his presence enough. And yet, by the time we arrived in Thailand, it felt like our relationship had resumed. Even our friends were wondering what was happening until the night before we were about to fly back. And he said on the balcony of our shared hotel room, the blackness a perfect reflection of the moon on the ocean. I have something to tell you. What's that? I said, my forehead touching his eye. He paused. I've started dating my roommate, Michelle. What? And this is how I knew it was the end of us.
Judy Tsuei (00:07:12) - He began to cry hard. We wept together that night, knowing that there was no coming back together. The moment we left Thailand, we were over. We returned to China and the three of them flew back together. I flew back alone, the fibers of the airplane seats scratching against my raw, reddened skin. We arrived back on American soil around the same time, and though I texted Clint, I energetically knew that the second we return to California, reality would hit. And what I was to him just 24 hours earlier was now thousands of miles away in a make believe memory. I walk through the US customs gate. An officer held up my passport against my face, put it back down on the counter before him. You've been gone a long time, he said. Yes, I whispered, knowing that I was coming back to face things. I had spent almost 26 years running from. Welcome home, he said as he handed the passport back to me. I wanted to fall onto the ground right then to thank him for the relief of no longer having to run for the aching of what was to come.
Judy Tsuei (00:08:19) - I was £30 heavier than when I left the country, but that was only the weight of my flesh and bones. I did not know it was possible to feel so large and so unseen at the same time. The only way I could afford my intensive outpatient therapy program was to move back home. Back in with my parents, where my eating disorder first started. A year and a half later, I would move back out into a wonderful apartment less than ten minutes away on surface streets close enough to bike to the ocean. My father took time out of his schedule to help me paint the walls. By now I was 28. I've been dating Wang, who I met at a weekly run club. He moved into my apartment and I realized over many months that the facade he presented to me when we first got together, the one I wanted to believe during our quickfire relationship where he brought me to meet his parents in new Jersey, just a month after dating was built on false pretenses because now he had to file for bankruptcy from gambling, and now we could no longer hear each other.
Judy Tsuei (00:09:19) - I should have known when I realized he wasn't joking with a way he reacted in such an upset manner in New York first, because as his friends were getting to know me to bar, they asked what I did. I'm a marketing consultant, I said. He retorted out loud, you're not a consultant. These guys here, they're consultants. Yes. I was in a Wall Street investment banker or a financial advisor like his friends. Apparently, in his mind, New York consultants were different than California consultants, and I felt so sheepish. I said little the rest of the night. After a long night of bar hopping, I mentioned I was hungry. Let's get pizza, he suggested, eager and excited to avoid having to find a parking spot. He dropped me off to pick us up a couple of slices while you waited outside. I stood under the fluorescent lights and the man behind me began to flirt with me. When I got back into the car, I handed him his slice and mentioned precisely what happened.
Judy Tsuei (00:10:13) - He threw his pizza into the backseat and said, I can't believe you. I thought he was joking, but he wasn't and still I stayed. So this was when I called upon my grandmother. I needed her, and even though on the surface my life seemed to be so much better, I was aching inside with open wounds that I only now began to identify, much less to heal. Despite how much my relatives said that I was horrible to her, that I did not respect my grandmother. The way Chinese culture expects us to respect our elders. The way I only realized in adulthood that I was simply being a kid, asked to be an adult before I was ready. I still loved her more than they could try to take away. I was the one who woke up early every morning in junior high, because my aunt and uncle and cousins wanted my grandmother, Shaggy, in her 70s and lopsided from her curving spine to walk by herself for a mile and a half to meet them at a park.
Judy Tsuei (00:11:08) - They would pick her up and bring her to their house for the rest of the day. I couldn't help but worry my mind rattling with thoughts about how she could be mugged, hurt, attacked on busy L.A. streets. So I woke up early, put on running shorts, walked with her as far as I could go before knowing I had to get home to get ready for school. I'd run back to ensure that I could get as much time with her as possible, then step back into the disarray of my mother's mornings. After my grandmother passed, there were many rituals that we were asked to fulfill. Some of them Buddhists, some of them cultural. My father asked me to sort through old VHS tapes to find a video of my grandmother sharing and family celebrations while she was still alive. I watched a real after reel and had no idea how much she loved us. I watched as her naturally shy and reserve manner open up around the presence of her grandchildren. And then one afternoon I found a video from one of her big birthday celebrations.
Judy Tsuei (00:12:03) - Big because her five children made it a big deal, even though she would have preferred not to be the. Of attention. She grabbed at my sister and then at me, as though we could be crutches, upon which she could support her nervousness. Then there it was. I was probably 6 or 7. She pulled at me, smiled at everyone else, and held me close. I nestled into her embrace. See? I thought to myself. All of you guys were lying. Grandma loved me. She loved me a whole heck of a lot. When I moved out of my parents home, I brought the black shoulder bag I bought from the gap and it held £30 worth of journals. I place them in a cabinet above my refrigerator and forgot they were there when I needed my grandmother. After she passed, I would cry out loud. I would talk to her in Mandarin because that's the only language she knew. And even if my speaking skills were elementary at best, I felt like she might still understand.
Judy Tsuei (00:12:57) - It had been a hard day of therapy, a hard day with wing, a hard day in life. I was working as a consultant at Neutrogena and professionally, things were fantastic. Inwardly, I could not figure out up or down or left or right, or whether I would ever find the directions I needed to live this life in a way that didn't feel like pure misery. One of my favorite things to do was to find space for myself. And so I would drive. I would go for a road trip by myself. Being enclosed in a car felt safe. I was able to scream at the top of my lungs. I was able to find that quietness that exists in moving meditation. Mostly I found safety and being covered for some reason. I then remembered the journals. I was at home, and I pulled a kitchen chair up to the cabinet and pulled the heavy shoulder bag down. I pulled out one of my journals. My mother used to make us write in these journals every night. She thought it'd help us advance our scholastic skills.
Judy Tsuei (00:13:54) - So I have journals from when I was seven years old. My writing is large and bulbous. My words are simple, but even then I could see it happening. There was a creeping hatred that was coming across the lines. Why am I so bad? Why is everyone so mad at me? I grabbed another journal. This time I was 21. The questions were the same. What's wrong with me? Why can't I get this right? My cousin Meg likes my sister Jeanette better than a puffy pink journal with an anime type illustration on the front I was nine. I will do better next time. I will not be so selfish. I will try harder. Journal after journal was filled with self-loathing, seeing it come across when I was barely young enough to know anything about the world made me realize something. It's not me, it's them. I was too young to possibly know the difference between real right and wrong. By now after going to Santa Monica power yoga classes, seeking meditation, pursuing holistic healing, and doing therapy, I was now old enough to realize that I was too young to know that the adults in my life were the ones who made me believe I was awful.
Judy Tsuei (00:15:09) - I wasn't born like that. I was made like that. I crawled under my kitchen table that night. I brought a pillow with me. It was the most cave like cover I could find. And then I bawled. I woke up from a nap in a fluster. I got into my nap feeling sad. And since I hated taking naps in general, when I awoke, I burst into tears and cried for my grandmother. That's when I thought to look at my phone. Shoot. I thought my friend Cara was about to come over any minute, so I quickly rushed over to my bathroom and wash my face to become presentable. I met Cara at a Krav Maga class in West L.A. in an effort to get all of my aggression out that I was starting to tap into. In therapy, I wanted a way to punch, kick, fight. That would be okay. I sign up for the workouts and had no idea that a six foot three man didn't care about holding back when it came to sparring with a five foot six woman who was just getting started.
Judy Tsuei (00:16:02) - Thankfully, Cara was also in class, and while she was definitely much more advanced than I was, she was only slightly taller and bigger than me, so we were much more evenly matched. We exchanged phone numbers to try to plan on going to class together, and that way we could spar with each other away from the men who seemed too eager to fight hard. One day in class, we were working on a drill where your partner comes up from behind you and grabs you by the ribs, trying to pick you up and haul you away. We did this drill over and over and over again. A couple of days later, I felt like I had a hard time breathing. I didn't give it much thought until the pain began to ache. Even more jokingly, I texted Cara, I think you bruised my ribs. Oh no, she wrote back. Let me come over and do a healing session with you. At this point, the only things I knew about Cara were that she owned a dog walking business.
Judy Tsuei (00:16:49) - She loved Krav Maga and she was into the holistic world. The only thing she knew about me were the fact that I was a writer. I worked at Neutrogena and I was new to Krav Maga. I heard a knock on the door when I opened at Cara stood there, a large rectangular object hanging off a strap on her shoulder. We hugged and she brought her massage table into my tiny studio. I moved a few things around to make room so she could set up. Have you ever had Reiki done before? She asked. What kind of I said I knew about the concept, because a coworker from a previous job had told me about how her friend practices Reiki as a healing method, and at the time, I was trying everything I could to fix my bulimia. I even went to see her friend for a session and walked away, not feeling much of anything. Well, when I do it, I'm not a medium by any means, but sometimes spirits will show themselves when I'm working on the person on the table, so that might happen.
Judy Tsuei (00:17:40) - Okay, I thought to myself. We were raised vaguely Buddhist, and I was only now just beginning my journey into spirituality, seeking different meditation groups around town, and mostly coming from an intellectual perspective. I wanted to learn about what was available, like studying to get a certification in a course. But I still didn't know much about spirituality, and I didn't know it had more to do with the heart than with the head. But I kept an open mind and more importantly, didn't reveal my skepticism or feeling of concern in any of my facial expressions. Cara finished setting up and asked me to lie down on the table. She settled into her practice and I close my eyes. I could sense that she was hovering her hands above my head. After what felt like barely a minute, Kara asked me, do you have a grandmother who passed away? What? I asked startled. My eyes popped open. I looked up at her. Her eyes were closed. She smiled. Yes. Do you have a grandmother who passed away? Why? I almost demanded.
Judy Tsuei (00:18:38) - Well, she's here with you now, she continued. What? I was in disbelief. I could barely process what she was telling me. What do you mean? She's here with me right now. She's here right now, she simply repeated. She's here with you now. My throat immediately swelled up with the tears I was trying to swallow back. Yes, I whispered. I do have a grandmother who passed away. Kara began to describe what she looked like and her description was accurate. Okay, she said, well, while I'm working on you, if there's anything you'd like to communicate with her, now's your time. I had no idea what to make of this. I didn't know where to begin, how to even handle what she was telling me. Um, I choked out. Am I? Am I supposed to speak to her in English or Mandarin? I pause because she only understands Mandarin. Kara breathed in and out and said quietly, it's more of an energetic thing. You don't have to say anything aloud at all.
Judy Tsuei (00:19:37) - Okay, I breathed. I closed my eyes again. I thought about my grandmother. I thought about her black curly hair, the way she would die herself, and then go to a cheap Chinese salon 45 minutes away from her house to get it permed. I thought about her crooked posture and her big tooth smile from the dentures she would wear. I thought about her diminutive size and how she grasped for me, almost as though she were grappling with me to help steady herself as she walked. Mostly I thought about how I missed her desperately. Hmhm, Kara said aloud, bringing me back to the room. It's funny because she's not leaving. It's as though she's hanging out here watching me to make sure I don't screw up on you. I laughed a little then. I loved a lot right then too. Half an hour later, Kara began to speak again. Your grandmother wants to give you a gift, but usually when spirits want to give a gift to the person on the table, I can't see what it is.
Judy Tsuei (00:20:34) - It's just a hint of something I can tell you about for you. What I see is red. Lots and lots of red. Okay, I responded, still not sure how to feel about everything she was telling me. Red is good luck in Chinese, I thought to myself. That's easy. Maybe she's just being like, you know, the way my entire family and culture tends to be, where they're superstitious and simply wishing me good luck. Yeah, she said, all I keep getting is the color red. Over the next two weeks, simply pay more attention and see if anything makes more sense. I agreed I would. Then, before she finished, Kara said, if there's anything else you'd like to tell your grandmother before we close, now is the time to do so. But I wanted to tell her everything. I wanted her to stay with me. I didn't want her to go. She's with you, Kara whispered. She's always with you. When Kara finished, she packed up her things, gave me a hug, and hoped I would feel better.
Judy Tsuei (00:21:28) - I close the door behind her, then sit down on my couch and simply stare it ahead at the green wall. My father had helped me paint what just happened. It was one of the rare instances in our recent history where I couldn't wait for wing to get home so that I could tell him what happened. He knew a little about my grandmother and my relationship with her, but this was beyond anything I'd ever experienced. Had this woman just proven to me that my grandmother still exists, that she can hear me, that she's still here with me. I don't know if I should call my father or my sister, or my youngest brother to tell them to share with them what had happened when they even believe me. For the rest of that night, until we got home, I feel like all I did was stare at that wall. I picked up my journal, wrote everything down so I wouldn't forget what had happened, and hoped it was all true. That all those days and nights I spent crying alone, she had been there with me all along.
Judy Tsuei (00:22:28) - So that was an imperfect little snippet from a story that still has many, many more elements to it. After that moment with Kara and my grandmother has continued to show up in my life after she's passed. So in addition to that, I wanted to share just another snippet that, again, may or may not make it into my book, but gives you a sampling of what all these stories are going to be about. And I can tell them now because there has been time and space. And the things that I'm going through now. I know that I will get through, that. I am getting through that. I've had multiple people, including professionals, remarked to me, you know, you're handling it so calmly, which demonstrates a lot of growth on my part. And I'm saying this because I just want everybody to know that you're not alone if you're going through a hard time, and if there's a hard time, you cannot share with other people for whatever reasons. For me, some of them are legal reasons to protect myself, then just know that I'm there with you and that the bravest among us, the boldest.
Judy Tsuei (00:23:53) - The mothers will always focus on the good and focus on our on everything that we need to do to create the life that we want to have for our children. So I will close this episode with another snippet that moves into another chapter of my book, which is about my eating disorder that I had for so long, and how I was always the only Asian person in the room talking about my problems dealing with body image issues. And I knew that I wasn't the only one. I had had a blog when I was living in Shanghai, China, where so many people around the world would tell me that they wish they could go to therapy for the same reason. So here is a little bit of that. The first time I tried cream cheese, I could not believe the taste on my tongue. There was nothing like it in the daily homemade meals. My grandmother cook for us, where the kitchen was her main domain outside of her bedroom, the only room in our house that was ever allowed to be locked.
Judy Tsuei (00:24:49) - Dairy, cheese, ranch. These were all things that were new to me because these were American staples, not Chinese ones. In our house we had bags of rice as big as my toddler brother. We had cabinets of Chinese medicine that, when boiled, smelled like an evil witch's cauldron. It wasn't weird for me to find a dried gecko on a stick, because this was something my grandmother was expected to boil for her longevity. It wasn't until junior high that my grandmother could pronounce cereal, since my mother realized how much easier it was to feed us this in the mornings. Instead of homemade rice porridge, fried eggs, an array of bamboo shoots, pickled radishes or soy sauce, cucumbers. My mother came home from the grocery store one afternoon. A silver tub of white, creamy, thick spread dotted by the pink of artificial strawberries for an even richer, sweeter taste. Chinese cakes are a rare delicacy, made with a Cool Whip type frosting as light as air, so that when I tried American Cake for the first time, I had to spit it out.
Judy Tsuei (00:25:47) - It was too much. I pulled the cream cheese out of the bag and asked my mother if I could try a little. She nodded, distracted by my two younger brothers calling for her attention. My younger sister rifled through a bag beside me and I quickly ran from the table. As the eldest of four children, I had as many privileges as sacrifices, and I wanted this tub to call my own. I sat in front of our big, boxy television in the big room name because it truly was the largest room in our West L.A. house, a combination of my parents bedroom and a 70 style den. The television was rimmed by a wooden frame as wide as the span of my arms, and I hid, protected by the corner of my parents desk, I scooped spoonful after spoonful of strawberry cream cheese. Watching a soap opera sitcom I care nothing about simply wanting to have the screen on because my parents never allowed us to watch television during the week, I would take what I could get. 20 minutes later, only a spoonful of the cream cheese tub remained and I felt sick.
Judy Tsuei (00:26:47) - Ten minutes after that, I found myself doubled over the toilet, throwing up uncontrollably. I was 11 years old. I had no idea about bingeing, purging, bulimia, anorexia, or compulsive overeating. All I knew was that the cream cheese tasted good, and in my life at that time, I wanted good in whatever way I could get. My mother raged. She raged at my father for cheating, for never coming home to help care for four kids, for never caring about her, for everything that had gone wrong in her past, present and future. He raged right back one night they fought at decibels so loud our neighbor came to knock on our door. It was past midnight. His white hair was disheveled on one side, and he stood there with his hands in the pockets of his striped blue robe. I opened the door. My parents hadn't even heard the doorbell over there arguing. Hello, I said timidly. I was ten. Um. He looked uncertain. He had taken a few steps back so that he stood at the base of the stairs to our door, and I stood above him, frame by the light behind me.
Judy Tsuei (00:27:50) - Is everything okay? Sure, I responded quickly. Of course. Don't worry, you can go back to sleep. He raised an eyebrow behind his glasses. What else was I supposed to say? He stood there, reluctant to walk away. I tried to block my parents muffled screaming in Mandarin with my tiny body. I wanted to cry, but I knew that I had to hold it in. I squeezed my face into the brightest smile I could manage. He eventually walked away. I closed the door. I locked it. I went back to my bedroom that I shared. My younger sister pulled the covers up and cried. My traditional Chinese father simply had to look at me askance, and I would feel the tears welling behind my eyes. When he punished me, he told me to open my palm flat as he hovered a rolling pin over my childish palm. Then. Whap! Lash lash lash. If I pulled my hand away, I got more. So I open my palms and ask for my punishment.
Judy Tsuei (00:28:46) - We weren't allowed to leave when they were yelling at us. We weren't allowed to turn away, to walk away, to look away. We weren't ever allowed to close the doors. So too many secrets pass through the halls that should have been hidden from four children. Learning how to grow up in the hyphen between Chinese and American. Today, my father uses a rolling pin to make dumplings so delicious everyone asks if he is a professional chef. I eat them too. They pack it up in Ziploc bags and send them home with us. If my father was home for dinner while growing up a fairly rare event, we could not start until he began. We could not place chopsticks upright in the bowl of rice because that represented death. A bowl of rice had to be finished. Hoja lei gong gong lai, my grandmother admonished, remembering her days of poverty in Taiwan before emigrating to the US. Otherwise, the lightning God will come down to strike us. A bowl of rice was the offering placed in front of the altar of my deceased grandfather.
Judy Tsuei (00:29:44) - A bowl of rice with superstition, symbolism and strict expectation. I was a skinny little Chinese girl with hair so black and straight that I never needed a hairbrush to keep my locks in place. I ate what I wanted without ever thinking twice. My father was larger than I could grasp, and I love the Saturday mornings when he would wake me up from a tired slumber telling me it was time to get pancakes from McDonald's. I didn't want to get out of bed, but the lure of American food and time with my father meant that I would pull myself awake. Food and love and fear were served family style in my house. Nixodum the traditional Chinese refrain whenever anyone walked through the doors of our house. Have you eaten yet? This is the way Chinese people said I have missed you, I love you, I don't know how to tell you these things, so please let me feed you instead. Even though American food was such an indulgence for us every day that my mother left the house, she was going to work at the cheesesteak hoagie shop my parents owned five minutes walking distance from our house.
Judy Tsuei (00:30:44) - Part of our familial income came from making these Philadelphia originated all American treats. Yet at home, our salad dressing was made from ketchup and mayonnaise mixed together to make a poor man's thousand island dressing. Chinese people don't often eat cold vegetables, so I never found salads appealing until my parents brought us to Sizzler one night and the waiter asked, what kind of dressing would you like dressing? I asked awkwardly. Yeah, she said, board. We have Italian ranch blue cheese. What? I asked, clearly confused. There were options. There was more than ketchup and mayo. Um, Italian, I requested, unsure of what I would get. The vinegar liquid swam over my iceberg lettuce and I wanted to die right in. This flavor was amazing. By the time I was in high school, I had become a surrogate parent to my three younger siblings. My parents continued to fight and I continued to try to make things right. I pack their lunches until you could not fold the top over my meal for the day.
Judy Tsuei (00:31:41) - A slice of bread and an apple. So that's not done. All of this is a work in progress, just like myself. And what I feel like is my life right now. Thank you so much for listening. This is me sharing parts of my book that I feel like more than ever now. Really want to get out into the world. If you like this, I would love to hear from you. You can find me on my contact form at Wild Heart adwords.com, where I own a strategic branding and content marketing agency. You can find me on LinkedIn, Judy T's and Tom S's and Sam UI and keep listening. Thank you so much for listening to this episode. If you know anyone in your life who may benefit from this and feel less alone, please do share it with them. I am here because I'm advocating for mental and emotional wellness and health for Asian Americans and voices of color, and I hope that this sharing of these stories was helpful. If you want to go find my book, then send me a note.
Judy Tsuei (00:32:44) - And I'm working on getting a sample chapter out and working on all of the chapters. So thank you so much. Until next time. Go break through any taboos you were raised with to live a life that feels aligned to you. Thank you so much for listening to today's episode. If you'd like to support me and this show, please go to iTunes and leave your review. It means so much to me and it'll help others find this podcast. I'll catch you in the next episode, and if you'd like to stay in touch between now and then, please visit Wild Heart Edwards Comm and sign up for my weekly newsletter. I've had people share with me that it's the best thing to arrive in their inbox all week. Aloha.
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Keywords: Judy Tsuei, host, podcast, personal experiences, reflections, memoir, construction noise, busy schedule, positive feedback, previous episode, therapist's advice, public and private life, new chapters, writings, writing groups, Reiki, grandmother, end of a relationship, signs, eating disorder, choices, well-being, returning to the US, running from problems, move back in with parents, challenges, recovery, facade of a relationship, false pretenses, vulnerability, relationship with grandmother, cultural expectations, respect for elders, walks, grandmother passed away, rituals, VHS tapes, validation, comfort in driving alone, meditation, self-loathing, negative thoughts, relief, understanding, vulnerability, crying, healing session, Reiki, energy healing, connecting with spirits, deceased grandmother, medium, gift, color red, always with her, experience with eating disorder, only Asian person in the room, body image issues, cream cheese, Chinese meals, fascination, secretly eating, childhood, role of food, skinny Chinese girl, straight black hair, pancakes from McDonald's, food and love, "Have you eaten yet?", cheesesteak hoagie shop, simple meals, salad dressing, ketchup, mayonnaise, surrogate parent, ongoing fights, work in progress, contact form, LinkedIn profile, mental and emotional wellness, Asian Americans, voices of color, societal taboos, true selves, gratitude, support
