EPISODE 88: INTRODUCING THE SWAY WAY: COACHING ON HOW TO CREATE YOUR BEST LIFE AFTER DIVORCE

Sep 24

Takeaways

I've missed writing — I've been published multiple times online and recently, after giving a talk about podcasting, the host shared, "Y'know, I was reading this article in Longreads the other day and it was so beautifully written. Then, I looked at the author's byline and it was YOU!" Listen to how I'm planning to launch a paid newsletter description (and if you want to sign up, you can email me at hello@fcksavingface.com), why I've avoided the word "coach" yet have since learned that representation matters, and more stories of serendipity and synchronicity.

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Transcript

Hello and welcome to the fuck saving face podcast we're empowering mental and emotional health for Asian Americans by breaking through taboo topics like may not always be pretty but it is indeed let's make your story beautiful we are an episode eighty eight which growing up Chinese is a very lucky numbers I'm gonna take a moment to celebrate and to thank you for listening I really appreciate it if you hear some tapping around me it's the blinds against the window it's been really hot here in San Diego which I'm so grateful for because this year it took forever for the send out during our local summer getting ready to fly to Baltimore today for a work trip and I was told to definitely try the crab cakes but as I've been prepping for today's trip and then not because of certain events that happened over the last week I wanted to share with you something that has been on my mind quietly as a seed for a very long time and I wasn't really sure what to do with it so if you go to the website fox having face you'll see the latest episode eighty eight blog post and you will see a logo that my daughter's surf coach helped design so her Sir coach is also a designer and after graduating from college join this amazing clothing company here in San Diego so I asked her to design something for me that would have that love of the ocean that I had absolutely before Wilder was born when she was born I tended to shift more towards loving land we're planning to go to Tahoe at the end of the month to celebrate her last week of summer before she starts her second grade year and I don't know if it's because my daughter is a Capricorn and again I don't follow astrology super closely I'm fascinated by it when people tell me about it but I just haven't dove into learning for myself and you know she's definitely more of an earth sign so I remember when I was pregnant with her living on quiet I started moving away from creating the ocean and just wanted to be more on land and more inland but I still wanted to have that feeling of flow and being in magic and there's nothing quite like a gorgeous summer day warm waters that are clear we are surfing on a longboard and writing the weights and just feeling like you're flying at such a magical experience and it's something that I wanted to have as an ethos in addition to just really learning these life lessons of mine from choices that I've made based on the environment and the family structure that I grew up with as well as feeling you know kind of broken it in certain ways and to try to figure out my own way of feeling whole and then that the choices that I made impulsively or because I have always been something of a risk taker I always feel like the universe has taking care of me when I've made both great decisions on when I made poor decisions and so there's something about having that sense of a net and a trust fall which as I'm talking about this with you now I realize is truly a remarkable awareness and I'm coming to since I've lived by this story for so long that I didn't have a safety net that I couldn't just let go and trust that someone else is gonna take care of anything because I started paying my own way when I was fifteen and a half Sir working two jobs in high school pay my own way through college tuitions for SAT prep courses got financial aid pay my own way through college you know everything that I've ever done has been for myself including in those early years hoping to take care of my parents being there mediator being the translator being on the other parent to help with my three younger siblings and I have to say that I'm really grateful for it Palestine is cheesy as that sounds I am now fitter and healthier than I feel that I've ever been and definitely stronger and a lot of it is this man's soul reinforcement that I got from the instructors where I wake up in the morning usually super early and I hear a message that I needed to just remind myself of my personal power and so for a long time I turn my power over to other people thinking that they were experts that they knew about %HESITATION than me that they would have insights or wisdom that I didn't know and for a very long time I also felt that financially I felt like what other people know better than me and since then since going through my divorce is since pulling from my retirement my savings to pay off debt that we accrued while we were married since realizing that I have a dependent and I want to create the best life that I can for her I really started to soak up all of this knowledge and then as I've been seeking other people you know say for example accountants or friends of mine who are in the financial field and just having this realization that other people don't know more than me they might know more about a certain topic than I do because that's their area of expertise but as one of my friends said when I was asking her to review you know my investments and where I am she was saying I just wanna take a moment and just pause and say like where you are is right for you and just similarly I had a call with a client today he's building a start up and when I was talking to he said that he remembers this message over and over about my telling him that he's exactly where he's supposed to be and recently I signed up for a sub stock course to just kind of learn about how to create paid memberships for newsletters that I want to start sending out again and during that time one of the facilitators of the course shared but my contact info with his business coach who then reach out to me and we had just a candid honest conversation you're just about life and here is this fellow Asian American having this conversation with me and I said I really been loath to use the word coach I don't want to use that I feel like it's got so many connotations to it and you know of course there's imposter syndrome of thinking that there needs to be some sort of certification versus all the lived a life experience and all of the school of hard knocks or the you know personal wisdom that I've acquired because I made my own curriculum for my life essentially and he was saying wait you have to understand that there needs to be more of us representing there needs to be representation just because they're a bunch of other coaches out there you know when we look at them and most of the people who are out there as prominent influencers are of a certain color of skin or gender or hand it's up to us to really represent what it is that we know from a lived experience from you know walking a different path of what our parents set forth for us from having this different kind of mindset but also understanding the other people are going to hear from us differently than they would hear from anybody else because of that share commonality or understanding or identification and just the nuances that exist from being Asian American so I wanted to share with you because in my writing I have always been extremely transparent and authentic and I think that there's been something that I haven't really felt I could process because it doesn't have time or an Avenue to write the things I would normally right it kind of geared away from editorial writing and getting published two you know publishing my book this year the little book of Tibetan rites and rituals which was more of an assignment and felt like rather than this personal passion project and I recently hosted a web three dinner here in San Diego for we three which is for non binary individuals and getting more underrepresented voices in the space especially women and so when we were having dinner I met this artist who's creating this and F. T. collection and she was telling us about this patron that she had in just her history as a true artist and every time I meet someone like that I just yarn and crave for that in my own life to make something most of what I create and make his with words which is more of thoughts and ideas and actual tangible tactical things but I'm okay with that in a lot of ways because you know I can collage with the best of them I can make arts and crafts you know based on my own creative when second hang in museums but you don't still decorate the house quite nicely but when I was sitting there thinking about it I realized it's been so long since I created something that I'm passionate about and this podcast has been this open expression it's been an opportunity to bring voices that I feel like you know deserve to be highlighted it who have amazing things to say it's been an opportunity to share my mindfulness elements but it's all kind of evolved from what I've always identified myself as which is a writer so I wanted to get back into writing and I already felt that calling that I needed to get back and then life started to unfold and so I finally felt that impetus to take what my daughter surf instructor had designed for me to then use that as the next thing that I wanted to move into so there was a reason that I was looking into the newsletter of course there is a reason that this life stuff was happening there was a reason that I felt called to start writing again and I've decided that I am going to share truly openly and honestly in a format where I get to write again I get to write for an audience again and establish connections you know make this meaningful impact as well as have it behind a protected pay wall so that I know I can be truly open and honest a long time ago when I was first getting divorced a friend of mine who also knows my ex husband told me that she knew what it was like to go through the experiences that I had been through and that she wanted to offer me some words of wisdom some advice and to also remind me that my daughter is half made of my ex husband which means that whatever I think about my ex husband whatever express however I demonstrate my attitude towards him she will also interpret as part of what she thinks about her because she understands that she has made from the both of us and it was a really wonderful reminder for me to be very conscious and very cognizant of what I said and did around my daughter even when things were so hard personally and at an adult level for me to continue to allow her to foster that meaningful relationships and to allow her to feel a sense of wholeness where I was not judging her based on you know my impressions of this person who I was aiming to remove from my sphere of influence I will tell you now it was not an easy thing to do it required soul much where with all and will power and discernment and you know it's not to say that I was perfect throughout the journey but I have certainly made such an effort that you know even my current partner would say I could have done what you did %HESITATION I would have not been able to have the space in the grace and the compassion to be able to show up the ways that you have shown up for your daughter another reason why I wanted to start this new offering is because when I mentioned that I wanted to have people send emails to an email address I created for my forty fourth birthday instead of in lieu of cast the emails that I got were so remarkable and beautiful they shared sentiments that I had forgotten or I don't even know about of ways in which my life my living my life my being vulnerable open and honest and making mistakes and learning from them and sharing about them helped inspire someone else's journey at a time when they also needed it most when they needed that inspiration that reminder that guidance that encouragement and so as much as I have not wanted to use the word coach in a way it's how I've shown up in a tie made the biggest impact is by being a teacher a guide a mentor or a coach so to circle back in preparation for the trip that I'm taking today and then the events that unfolded with my daughter's father this weekend or this last week I realize that I needed to go see my network character and so made an appointment got in for a double session and normally I don't pull you know oracle cards or angel cards from the dax that she has in her office I used to do it a lot when I was a yoga teacher and I would always offer a message that I needed to hear in that moment I don't know if it was also being a Ricky practitioner that I could feel the energy coming from the card so that sometimes it genuinely felt like either a magnetic pull or my hand would move past a certain point I would pick that card and that would be the right card for me so today after my first session it was a very quiet day at their office and it was me and the other people who work there and I was the only client I you know pulled her basket out full of cards and I kind of went through all of them there had to be a dozen and a just chose the ones that resonated with me most so I pull carts from the first one they were interesting and I also appreciated that it had this information where you know if the card is pulled out up right it means one thing if it's pulled out reverse drops it down I mean something else which is not something that I'd seen in a card deck before with that description I really appreciated that and then another one where just yesterday I was out one of my clients offices and I happened to walk out at the same time as one of the V. P.'s so we're sitting there or standing in the parking lot actually we're talking and I was supposed to go out with the team for dinner but you know we're having this great conversation and during that time I was mentioning this event that I had attended when I was an editor of a conscious yoga magazine online and we went to this event and swam out tell me already is and I didn't know that I would be needing a medium %HESITATION and you know watching him share what he does on a big stage and you know it just was one of the first almost tangible times that I was looking at this man and looking at the audience and just thinking oh my gosh is he demonstrating that life exists after death and so since then I've I've been very obsessed with reading all these books about what happens after we pass and you know signs and mediumship and all that kind of stuff some of it is definitely scary recently I had an experience where I was at my place by myself and I genuinely felt that there was a present something or something that made my heart race and so the universe is known that that that the six cents was basically the scariest movie I've ever seen so hi I think the universe is kind to me and that that's not the type of gifts that it offers me or it knows to keep it at bay until whatever whatever so this medium I can remember his name when I was talking to this V. P. and then today in the deck of cards what's a deck of cards from James van Prague so you know I don't even know he had made a deck of cards but I laid everything out on a bench in the office and one of the network characters interns saw me what I was doing and then she said you know you could use your left hand instead of your right hand to scan over the cards because your left hand is receiving and your right hand is giving or taking action which is something I learned in yoga the left side represents the feminine and the moon energy the right side represents the masculine in the active action oriented energy so I decided to give it a shot and as I was doing it I pulled out a car and I turned it over and then I noticed that the office manager was standing right above my shoulder he's like I turn I'm like what are you doing things like %HESITATION just didn't want to interrupt and I just wanna let you know you can go on for a second session so they were like when you just leave the car there and then you can come back and you can read it after done and the question that I asked the doc because sometimes I will ask a question is one of my supposed to do with my career now one of my men to create or unfold or channel or allow to bring into the world my content marketing and branding agency is doing well our clients are really loving us you know we're growing their different areas that I can offer there but I feel that I've always done not as because I can because I'm good at what I do and because you know I've been blessed to be able to take this love of words and make it into a profession that's compensated me very well but there's always been this calling this coach calling this teaching that I've answered a little bit here and there as a yoga teacher you know as a reiki practitioner %HESITATION kind of offering a couple of consulting sessions for life work here and there but not truly and there's just been a hesitation there %HESITATION the sense of you know everybody's on their own heroes and heroines journey I've invested so much money coaches I have found them very helpful but I've also invested in money and opportunities and resources that were not helpful and so I just wanted to be very clean with my intention in my work and I was asking this deck of cards which I do and so when I looked at the card and came back to read it the card that I pulled from that James van Prague tak was about purpose and I will read to you what the cards that yes I know what I'm here to do you have chosen to reincarnate on earth for one major goal to express love in all that you do the obstacles of this physical dimension can distract you from that goal and it's easy to lose your way life on earth is full of obligations that require your conscious attention but that doesn't mean you can't infuse all of your decisions with caring and compassion your purpose in life is not your career rather your career is guided by your purpose what activities speak to your soul what brings you joy that is the direction your soul is calling you toward to best convey your own unique expression of love and make a contribution to the world if you're not happy with their current circumstances and that is your soul telling you that there's a better way to manifest your own distinct gifs listen to your intuition is your connection to spirit and the voice of your soul so literally that is exactly the message that I needed to hear and with that I'm very excited to announce that I will soon be offering a paid newsletter subscription that you can get all the tips tools and resources that I have learned to create my best life after divorce so a lot of different women came to me when I first started sharing about my divorce and asking for support and help in opening up to me in ways that I had no idea about I then created a coaching program called heal from a nurse's program it was a remarkable program the future different experts and modules and it was self paced with live instruction I then you know choose to move away from the business partner that I was working with at the time and also as valuable as the resource is worried that we created and provided I didn't want that to be the only thing that was I I was identifying with after divorce and when I was in Hawaii and I was walking and hiking around I realized that this is what I wanted to do this is what I wanted to share I wanted to be able to help the other people who are either let's say Asian American or come from a shared cultural background or a similar one where perhaps divorce or familial obligation is so strong and then you know you just have these perfectionist ideas of the life that you think that you were supposed to create what was supposed to unfold for you that you've always fallen in line and done the right thing but you also wanted to be bigger and bolder and step into your power and take risks and experience those true rewards for living your unique purpose living your unique essence and making an impact changing the world for the better by the time that you know we all move on I also share this on Instagram that these days I'm living my biggest joys all with room to grow and I took what could have been a devastating experience and I used it as a catalyst to create my best everything so after what happened this last weekend and this last week and there's a reason that I'm not specifically sharing what it is I will share with it in the newsletter I as I mentioned wanted to you know be sure I'm protecting my daughter be sure that what I'm conveying is coming from a place where I've digested processed it not made it someone else's problem instead taken it used it to elevate and stand in my power to move into the next phase of my life so that I can help guide someone else who's going through the same thing but I also wanted to make sure that in this newsletter membership community that people understand that they're not alone in in the things that are not shared on social media that aren't cannot be fully described or open up to because that's not a safe space to be able to do that you know someone might share with so and so who will share with so and so and I'll get back to whomever and you know just to keep moving forward and ways to have healthy boundaries healthy structures and are still being of service and ultimately is an opportunity for me to take what I do best writing and to have this self what's the word self acting %HESITATION self actualize you know just basically this internal power this internal resource and tool that I have to write as my catharsis is my healing and then to know that all of that all other needy greedy all the messy muddy bets are gonna come out with this crystalline purpose or at least be more fleshed out in a way that benefits both me and my audience so even amidst the turmoil and trauma of the last two years I've emerged stronger and more courageous and saw share how I did not I healed a lot of intergenerational trauma to be the kind of conscious parent I continue to learn how to be and it's seven and a half years old my daughter is praising me about her appreciation for how I shop for her so I'm sure all the resources that I've been diving into being a conscious parent is not easy raising a strong independent woman who grow up into an incredible adults who contribute to you know the greater good means that in the moment when they're younger that you don't want to squash their soul as well as you want to see in the future how these traits of a hop can benefit them and not be in that authoritative or authoritarian kind of parenting style but instead you know being a mentor being a guy cutting that along having healthy boundaries having healthy parameters and I will share it works for me obviously that's what works for me and may not work for everyone else it may not work for every other family but at least it will be a digestive resource to look into and also how to handle nineteen with your ex husband how to handle co parenting when half the time you may not know what's happening over at the other house or you know they're moving on with their life being in your relationships your moving on with your life creating these hybrid environments you know how do you create that sense of moving forward with all of these X. factors in play I'm also in a super healthy and stable relationship with a nominal communication and intimacy which I wrote with an exclamation point and truly my partner and I I there's a line that the peloton instructors will say which is the things that you have now are something that you prayed about awhile back that you really wish and hope that you would have this or that or this experience for this relationship or connection and so often are moving through life we forget what we have now is something that we didn't know was possible before or really really wanted and so that is the experience that I have with my partner now where I remember when I was married I desperately wished and wanted to have a relationship with someone who actually wanted to be with me who you know I could have conversations with who I could form a friendship or a deeper meaningful bond with and to have that to feel celebrated to feel validated to feel seen and heard just as I am an accepted as I am and that is what my current partnership offers me and it has involved her communications it's involved both of us learning to move past the template set forth in our previous relationship it involves us learning and growing with one another me being vulnerable and learning how to be able herbal even this morning he said to me I want you to always feel like you are able to share with me anything that you want you can talk about anything that you want I know that this morning when we were talking you're probably going to want to talk about my feelings this makes me so uncomfortable I hate this which is ironic because I know you would assume that I love talking about feelings based on this podcast for everything that I written before but now in real time it is very challenging for me and I do not enjoy it but being able to speak up for myself now and to do it in perfectly at times and to be able to still circle back and have that healing and that connection and not communication and that respect it's amazing my company is rocking with an epic team of humans doing work that's creative meaningful lucrative and fun and so when I was in college a friend of mine who is an engineer and very successful at that now told me what you gonna do with the letters and sciences major we're gonna do with an English degree like Harry and get by and I've done just fine so I think that there is this perception that being creative especially if you grew up in a traditional Asian household is not going to be as esteemed as you know B. doctor the lawyer or whatever path you want to go down there but I have to tell you that the work that I've done has made remarkable impact for numerous lives not just for my clients but because I'm serving my clients and their mission driven businesses they are out there helping people heal from addiction they are out there helping people understand what true diversity equity inclusion work as they are out there helping health build health and wellness for different people and so the value that I have brought has been immense and the fulfillment that I feel doing work that is resonant with me is incredible you know today I'm gonna go flying to meet with an amazing team of people and healthcare practitioners to talk about how the technology that we create saves people's lives who have type one diabetes that's remarkable to me it's an amazing to think that the what I do my skill set is able to be applied in these ways that not only pay my bills and you know create the kind of lifestyle that I want to have but also offer me a sense of true enjoyment and fulfillment for what it is I do I am much more well versed about my money how to overcome fears and have real tips for divorce prep honors I will tell you right now that as I've started to dive way deeper into the financial world including crypto dot it is shocking to me how little information is available unless you know what questions to ask and how the hell would you know what questions to ask so depending on the state they are getting divorced and that makes a difference I wish that people would understand you know what rights that we have financially and what pitfalls to avoid and what tax laws to you know look at and what to do when you are the primary breadwinner or when you are the sole provider for so many things like what just so many conversations are not talked about that I wish that were and unfortunately in all of the things that I've learned high net worth individuals no all of these things they know that tips and tricks because they're in a circle of people who are talking about these things but even right now as I recently found out how much I will qualify for to buy a house which by the way was a whole other emotional win for me that I went through that and figured out what that is because I've had a block around it for so long and it turned out to be so much easier than I thought it was going to be that through these processes I've learned %HESITATION is that what is available is that how I can set my daughter up for success or might potential grand children up for success and you know just thinking inter generationally thinking about legacy it's just not things that you are taught to think about if you grew up with immigrant parents who fled very violent situations in their home native countries or whatever it is you're just thinking about survival you're not thinking about those things and then once you get comfortable you know it's there is a whole other level of learning in terms of giving back or what kind of impact do you want to make on a greater scale not just the immediate scale your friends and family all that kind of stuff so these are all tips and resources that I plan on sharing and all the pitfalls that I experience to learn about this lake learning that I you wells are not a great financial product and if you're looking at life insurance because that's something that is a healthy thing to do as a parent with a dependent that they're all these insurance plans and to figure out like what genuinely do you need what is the best thing why is something that someone else is just making a commission off of or they're taking huge fees from all of these things and especially if you've been in an unhealthy relationship your mind can become skewed that you don't know that you're valuable and that you're worthy and you have these things that you deserve to feel protected and safe and you know to re frame rewire your mind to get back into that hold the state to make the best conscious decisions possible I published my first book with an award winning publisher and I'll share tips on that as well as the other books I'm working on now which I'm very excited about and I've launched an improper practice what you're now listening to on topics and passion about that have created paid speaking opportunities so I've been asked to both in person and online at do these events they've been remarkable and very fulfilling and it still feels this and love of mine to teach and to speak and I will actually be speaking with sharp hospital in a couple months about healthequity and %HESITATION diversity around not and I have the most remarkable community of Mamas and Papas and kiddos and I truly do I'm so beyond blessed and I know that this is something that a lot of parents had asked me about mothers in particular of how I've been able to cultivate and create those relationships who feel like family now you know when we all get together there's a group of us that go all of our kids are raised together doing similar activities we go on trips together and you know we think about each other a lot and try to support each other as much as possible through all of these different phases and it's been one of the best bastard blessings and gifts that I could have ever asked for I know that my friend had said a long time ago the because of the way that I grew up that I had this constant visual or focal point on material wealth and she's like you have things where you are so wealthy that other people wish and dream that that they could hop but you're looking over there rather than over here and so it's been a really lovely opportunity over the last you know a couple of years but especially in the recent past a shift that focus and to see what it is that I have and how blessed I am about that and all of this stuff I'm gonna say again did not believe that I could have during that time that I was contemplating divorce getting divorced after divorce these are all things I just when I look back are all the things that I had hoped for and here they are and it was in a short amount of time I am three and a half years maybe being back in the country after living in Taiwan and I've been able to build all this problem nothing when we got back literally a couple hundred dollars in my checking account freaking out about how I was going to find a place to live and do this divorce thing legally figure out this co parenting plan with someone who we did not have healthy communication with all of these things to where I am now so anything is possible for you I've I just I want to encourage you to know how special you are entering the network her practice session today there was a song she plays music all the time and she tries to sync up the music to the vibe in the room and what maybe somebody needs to hear so the line in the song was the universe does not make mistakes and you are not a mistake everything that you've gone through there can be purpose and transformation from the pain and you can indeed create the life that you have always wanted to have now is the perfect time to start now is not too late so many things where we feel like we're too late financially wish we invested earlier crypto which we got in the game earlier all these things now is the time to begin because ten years from now what will it be like to remember that you are not a mistake from the beginning of time ever after they will never ever be another you have for her have for it all of the fabric of time in all the different universes that exist if you haven't seen the James Webb telescope images from NASA you check them out and see how many universes galaxies are all there not just our universe multiples and you're the only one in so you're not a mistake and everything that's happened can be transformed into just great S. and that greatness that it will be transformed into is also still just the beginning so I wish you all the best I hope that you have a remarkable rest of your day depending on when you're listening to this and I look forward to seeing you in the next episode oh and one more thing if you want to sign up for this pay newsletter when it launches you can right now email me hello at fox saving face dot com that's fuck without the you and to get on the wait list and I will let you know when it goes live already have a wonderful day and see you in the next episode I can you can do so in crypto if you'd like to send your dollars A. K. fiat currency to me via the cash app which uses a super fast lightning network I can convert it into a big one you can find me on the cash app by typing in a dollar sign Judy it's way T. S. U. more ways you can support the podcasts are they sharing this with your friends family anybody you'd think they'd enjoy this and remember to go get your copy of the little book of Tibetan rites and rituals at Barnes and noble Amazon audible or whatever you'd like to get your make your story beautiful today