Episode 129: Breaking the Stigma of Mental Health in Marginalized Communities with Dr. Nina Kaiser
In this episode of the F*ck Saving Face podcast, Judy Tsuei speaks with Dr. Nina Kaiser, a licensed psychologist and founder of Practice San Francisco. They discuss the importance of mental health for marginalized communities, the stigma surrounding mental health treatment, and the need for early intervention.
Dr. Kaiser emphasizes the significance of community support and the role of parents in fostering their children's emotional well-being. The conversation also touches on coping with collective grief, the challenges of parenting, and the power of mindfulness and presence in navigating life's difficulties.
More about Dr. Nina Kaiser:
Dr. Nina Kaiser is a licensed psychologist (CA PSY 22555), mom to two boys, and founder of Practice San Francisco, a multi-location Bay Area mental health and wellness center providing evidence-based intervention and educational prevention services to kids, families, schools, and corporations. Dr. Kaiser has twenty years of experience in mental health across university, medical, and outpatient settings, and has been featured as an expert mental health source in the New York Times, National Geographic, Real Simple, and Parents Magazine, among others. She has years of personal experience juggling motherhood and entrepreneurship, and is an experienced and dynamic speaker on all things related to child and parent mental health, parenthood, motherhood, and entrepreneurship.
Sound Bites
"The earlier we can reach families, the better."
"It's collective grief, collective trauma."
"You're not alone in an experience."
"Don't freak out. It's okay to underreact."
"Life is already a lot."
"The power of the pause is so important."
"It's all about community support."
Takeaways
Mental health is crucial for marginalized communities.
Stigma and shame are significant barriers to seeking help.
Early intervention can prevent acute mental health crises.
Collective grief and trauma affect community well-being.
Community support is vital for mental health.
Parents should model emotional regulation for their children.
Mindfulness and presence can help manage stress.
It's okay to underreact in parenting situations.
Finding balance in parenting is an ongoing process.
Embracing imperfection is key to effective parenting.
Episode Highlights
00:00 Empowering Mental Health for Marginalized Communities
02:49 The Importance of Early Mental Health Intervention
05:52 Breaking Down Stigma in Mental Health
09:03 Coping with Collective Grief and Anxiety
11:56 Supporting Children's Mental Health
15:08 Navigating Parenting Challenges
17:58 Community Support and Awareness
20:46 The Power of Mindfulness and Presence
24:02 Finding Balance in Parenting
26:52 The Role of Community in Parenting
30:05 Embracing Imperfection in Parenting
Links Mentioned:
Judy Tsuei LinkedIn
Judy Tsuei Instagram
Dr. Nina Kaiser, Practice San Francisco
There may be affiliate links included in this blog post.
Transcript:
Judy Tsuei (00:02.668)
Welcome to the F*ck Saving Face podcast where we're empowering mental and emotional health for Asian Americans and voices of color by breaking through taboo topics. Life may not always be pretty, but it is indeed beautiful. Make your story beautiful today. This week's episode is an interview and here we are in Spain.
She provides evidence-based intervention and educational prevention to kids, families, schools, and corporations. She has 20 years of experience in mental health across university, medical, and outpatient settings. And she's been featured in the New York Times, National Geographic, Real Simple, Parents Magazine, among others. So we get into the real conversation. I know that for a lot of people, it's been very up and down because of the elections.
think more than ever, this episode is very timely. So I hope that you find a lot of benefit from hearing about how marginalized communities can access greater mental health care and what we do as business owners and parents struggling at all and trying to figure out how to navigate this life of being human. Without further ado, here's the episode. I am so happy to have Dr. Nina Kaiser here today.
We met through the Tory Burch Foundation and I was lucky to be able to spend time with her in New York and to learn more about what she does. She's a founder of a family mental health center in San Francisco and has continued to grow and scale it. And also a mom, also, you know, an entrepreneur. I love seeing all of the conferences that you attend and just the way that you like give back to the community or want to support other women. But before we dive in,
anymore. I want to share in your own words, like turn it over to you to talk about you and your profession. Yeah, no, I really appreciate that. Judy, and I'm so delighted to be here with you today. But yeah, I'm a psychologist. My background is in child and adolescent parents mental health. Yeah. And also a parent myself, like you said, I've got two boys, ages five and eight.
Judy Tsuei (02:19.342)
And after having kids became like even much more interested in parent mental health and adult mental health, parents especially like just so much like empathy. Parenting is hard. It is amazing and it is so hard, right? So you're in San Francisco. And how big have you grown your practice now? Yeah. So we have three locations, two in the city and one in Marin County. 20 clinicians or 21 clinicians.
We do direct to client work. have a lot of individual therapy and group therapy for kids, teens and parents. And then we also have started working directly with schools and with businesses to provide support services in the context of kids and families day to day lives. I'm super interested in mental health prevention. Right. So like, why do we always get people who are coming in crisis, right? When there are things that we know that we can be proactive about.
And the earlier we can reach families on their mental health journeys, the more likely we are to be able to supply families with skills and kind of strategies that will help fend off more acute mental health crises down the road. And so that's what we're trying to do with our school and corporate-based programs. That's amazing. I think that that's one of the things that when I was doing the research for the book and discovering the utilization of mental health by communities of color, it's
usually very low, and then it's usually only in times of crisis. And I'm so grateful for the work that you're doing, because I have my daughter, you know, she every now and again will speak with a child therapist. And that's a resource that I wish I had. But I think about my parents, and I have a lot of empathy for them, because they grew up in a generation where this was not widely spoken about, where, you know, it just like shoved away. And, and I know because of that, so much of the trauma that they experienced.
was exacerbated. And so I'm thankful that I was able to advocate for myself and go find therapy and find resources. But what would you recommend for people where there is a stigma and a shame attached to it? How would you approach that? Absolutely. Well, and I just want to say that's one of the biggest barriers to mental health treatment, right? Or to accessing care is that sense of shame and stigma behind like admitting that there's something that you need help with, right? Or admitting that there's something
Judy Tsuei (04:43.215)
like going on that's really impairing, right, or challenging that there's a problem, right, or there's something that you need help and support with, right? I do think that the research that we have does suggest that that's more prevalent in communities of color, right, because of different cultural standards and expectations. I feel like you can probably speak better to this than I can, right?
But for like, what does it mean to show up in the world as like a competent human being? Right? How do you admit that you need support or look for support? I also do feel like, you mental health has has come a long ways in terms of equity in access to care and in the types of interventions that we deliver and the ways that we talk about mental health.
But it also is true that mental health interventions for a long time were normed only on a white population, right? The research that we did around that was, right? And so there are these like fundamental inequities that I think are built into the structure, built into the system, right? When you look at who is becoming clinicians and providers in healthcare, that certainly, you there are disparities there too, right? And so for...
for individuals of color who are looking for support, many clients who are seeking access to care are looking for someone who can understand their cultural context, their cultural background, right? And they're looking for someone with a similar experience, right? Who can understand, who can mirror them and the distribution of clinicians in predominantly white, right? And so the model and the system that we have, I think also serves as a barrier.
to access for care. That's so like, I hadn't really thought about that. And I worked in the medical devices industry and was aware that so much of medical research was done on predominantly white populations. And so if you had any melanin in your skin, was going to the device respond differently or wouldn't pick up or read differently. And so just thinking about that, and I had interviewed a therapist and Asian American therapist who he said,
Judy Tsuei (06:49.911)
Even my parents today, I have a PhD and they're still like, when are you going to become a real doctor? Like it's still wasn't good enough. And so I think being, didn't even realize until probably in my, mean, even just a few years ago that I could seek out a therapist who had a shared cultural understanding or had like language that I could say in Mandarin and she would understand.
the whole of what that meant without me trying to translate the nuance and things. And so I appreciate you pointing out that as we've learned recently in life, so many systemic things need to shift in a fundamental way. And before we got onto this call, we kind of talked about how potentially a lot of people, I mean, I've heard it in conversations, I've had people text me of just, it's been a tough week.
And it's been a tough because of the elections and because of the outcomes and, then the feelings that people had. mean, my trainer even said someone canceled on him because she just could not muster up the bandwidth to go work out. The anxiety was so huge. And so when it comes to external things like that, that are a collective consciousness or just even, you know, beyond our control, what do you recommend and suggest for that?
Absolutely. mean, I think, you know, the research that we have, I mean, it's collective grief, collective trauma, right? Like, this is not how we wanted it done. It's fear and anxiety about the uncertainty of the future, right? How are things going to play out? What does this mean for policy for government, but also for the way in which humans are interacting with one another on a day to day basis, right? And what
have the political candidates and the tone of the conversation, what has that normalized in terms of the way in which we interact with other people, right? So there's so much there and it's so valid, right? To be concerned, to be upset, to be anxious about it, right? So like those emotions, I just want to say they make sense, right? Given the context, right? And there's no class lighting here.
Judy Tsuei (09:03.217)
I mean, I feel it too, right? And so it's, you I think there's a couple of things. Like one, I think it's okay just to sit with it, right? Like kudos to that person who was like, you know what? I do not have it in me to do personal training today, right? I mean, there are other people who are gonna be like, I really need this today, right? Like this is the outlet that I need today. But like what each of us needs is gonna be different, right? And so each one of us has to tune into like, okay, what is gonna serve me most in this moment?
Right. And maybe it's like face planning into your couch and maybe it's like going for a hard workout. But so I think that's the first part is just like acknowledging it, naming it, like knowing that like this is OK. This is a reaction and a response that makes sense. Right. To like have that it that emotional. Yeah. Like disappointment, upset, anxiety, fear. Right. Then I think the second part of it is connecting in community with others. Right. And this is sort of a fundamental
thing about mental health and a reason that the shame and the stigma are a barrier, right? When we're talking about larger issues around access to care, it is so normalizing and supportive to realize like you're not alone in an experience, right? And that's true whether we're talking about like a larger like mental health sort of challenge, right? Or whether we're just talking and not just, right? I shouldn't use that word at all, but whether we're talking about our emotional experience around the election.
right, and the results of the election to know that like, there are people out there who stand with you, who feel the same sense of disappointment, overwhelm, outrage, like whatever else you you want to say, right? Like you're not alone. Like there's 70 million or however many Americans like that are feeling pretty much the same way, right? Maybe to like greater or lesser extents, depending on like the personal impact there, but like not alone in that, right? Like you're in community.
around it. then, you know, last but not least, actually, let me back up for one second and say sort of corollary to the first point I made is like trying to do things that you know make you feel good. Right. And so like, again, whether it's faceplanting the couch, whether it's reading a book, things that ground you into the present moment, right? Like, I know you've got a daughter, I've got kids, but like really being present with them in the moment and the things that are are like
Judy Tsuei (11:27.419)
kind of helping us keep our feet on the ground, right? The one foot in front of another of daily experience, remembering that there still are things that are beautiful about the world, even in the middle of this turmoil and chaos. And then I guess the last thing that I would say is we have so much research suggesting that when larger events are out of our control, that if we can take action and control the things that we can control, right? Or like do what we can to make a difference.
that that is really empowering emotionally too, right? So I signed up for Moms on Demand. I like it, right? It's like, what else can I do here to move the knee? And yet, is it going to impact like what happened this week? Like, no, it's not. Right. But like, it makes me feel like I am I have agency, right? To a certain degree in a way that's that we know based on research is really helpful. Yeah, I think that that is
because one of the text messages that I got was if you find out about any opportunities to be involved, please let me know. And this is coming from, you know, a white man. And it was just I hope that what happens is it becomes more of a moment for people to take action who normally wouldn't take action like we've seen previously. And I think that like you said, like
Everybody has their own model of the world. And I appreciate you saying like, if you need to face plant, you can face plant. Cause I think we're also told this is the way that you take good care of your mental health. And maybe in that moment, that is not the thing. Like my default response was, shouldn't she work out? Because wouldn't that be more helpful? But then you're pointing out like, maybe not maybe in that moment, not so much. That would be like additional stress on top of something that's unnecessary.
I'm curious too, because I'm around a lot of school administrators, people who work in the education system. What have you observed as like a trend for parents to be mindful of and just to like kind of keep on our radar in regards to how we can just be mindful about our children's mental health and our own? absolutely. that's such a great question, Judy. mean, I feel like
Judy Tsuei (13:44.495)
You know, our kids have the benefit and the blessing of like growing up at such a different time than even we did, right? Let alone our parents. I am consistently like shocked and impressed by the amount of exposure that my kids are getting to getting in school about like awareness of emotions and like communication of feelings, right? Coping strategies to use at times that they're they're upset and disappointed, right?
And I think as parents, like the first step for us is engaging in conversation with our kids about what they're learning at school, right? And trying to dig in on similar language, right? If they're using terms, if they're using strategies or tools at school, like making that part of the conversation at home too, right? Because our goal is really to get our kids to a space of comfort in talking to us about things that are going on, right? Talking to us about their emotional experience.
There are a couple of other things that we can do around that too. Like first and foremost, I think my personal parenting mantra is don't freak out. It is so hard sometimes, right? Because I'm worried or I'm like upset, I'm like angry about something that happened, right? But like the more that I can show up is like, okay, I'm like managing my stuff myself on this end, right? Then the more likely they are to like...
talk to me about what's going on, right? Like, because they know I'm not going to freak out. And the more likely I am to be able to like model to them like, hey, like I'm noticing I'm feeling kind of stressed out. think I'm going to go like ride the powwow or I'm going to go for a walk. Right? So it's like also like that modeling of like identification and feeling states, right? But but coping with it in a skillful kind of way where we can, right? I mean, obviously, like, we're not going to be able to do that all the time.
But then going back and revisiting with our kids and being like, well, hey, I kind of lost it. Sorry about that. Big feelings are hard for adults too, right? This is still a work in progress for me. think kids can also be so self-conscious about what they see largely as adults is much easier for us to regulate our emotions and our experiences, right? mean, this is part of neurological development, right? That part of our brain that
Judy Tsuei (16:06.971)
helps us do that, right, is mature. Whereas for kids, it's continuing to grow and foster connections actually until kids are 25, believe it or not, right? It's really easy for us as parents to have our own emotion regulation experiences behind the scenes in a way that's invisible to our kids. And there's so much benefit to being able to like make some of that like implicit action, like more explicit, more visual for them, right, around like, hey,
This is what's happening. had a tough day. I'm feeling kind of down about the election, right? And here's what I'm going to do about that. Right. So that process is there. So one of the things too, is what we've been hearing a lot, there's like the cybersecurity workshop at school, and then there's the whole like fentanyl thing and just like how scary things seem to have become. And especially with like social media and all of those things. Is there
a way to just like what to be mindful of. feel like it's already a lot. Life is a lot. Life is already a lot. And then having a business, being a parent, like all of these things, and then to have to be mindful on top of it, like all these additional new, you know, pretty substantial things. What have you been able to tell parents? Cause I know that when I was sitting there, the first time I did the workshop, it was just about the cybersecurity, like the social media and like all that kind of stuff.
then this year when they did it, added the fentanyl part and I was like, I can't, just, I'm not being like an ostrich, but I just can't. And then human trafficking on top of it. And I was like, please, like I was already stressed out enough last time my friend had to like rub my back. She's like, it's okay, it will be okay. I'm like, is it gonna be okay though, is it? So what would you recommend for parents like navigating that? Yeah, it's,
so hard. mean, I'm gonna I can make some suggestions. I just want to like, acknowledge like, yeah, it's terrifying to have a kid in this world, right? It's absolutely terrifying. There's so many things that can go wrong, right? And so many challenges and and I mean, honestly, dangers, right? That that just are so either weren't present or are so different than when we were growing up, right? But I think, you know,
Judy Tsuei (18:25.091)
I think here I would try to take like a multi-prong approach. so like prong one would be, and it sounds like, you know, you're doing this, right? It's like staying in touch with the conversation in your community, right? Like what are people talking about? What are people aware of? Like, is this the thing that you need to be concerned about in your community? Like, yeah, they're putting it on your radar, right? But like, is it actually happening? Right? And so some of that is like, okay, going to the school based things, also, so like awareness, right?
and trying to have that awareness if it's possible without the anxiety, right? Or with the level of anxiety that matches the likelihood that something is actually gonna happen, right? But also looking for support from other families, right? Talking to other parents in your community. I think there are a couple of benefits there. mean, one just is around that awareness piece, right? If you're having conversations with other parents, you can kind of like temp chat.
like your own level of anxiety about like, okay, is this something that they're upset about or freaking out about? Like, okay, this is maybe a thing that I can deal with, right? But it's also just in providing like a safe container or context for your child and your family, right? That you have this broader community of trust where you know that your kid is, and I know your daughter is kind of heading into more independence if I remember right, she's kind of like tween age, right? Or like heading into.
to tweenagehood. So there will be more opportunities for her to decision make independently. But in the meantime, like it's also kind of giving her that stable community and context that you can trust and you know that she can trust. And then the last like piece or prom of it has to do with like, you know, what conversations do you have with her directly? How can you do that in a way that shares information but doesn't create anxiety for her and how can you facilitate?
her independence and her critical thinking and her decision making skills. that if you know face to face with like a decision about what to post online or face to face about a decision about like who to trust in terms of like taking something trying something that you have have confidence that she's likely to make the right decision. Right. And she's going to mess up at some point. They all do. We all do.
Judy Tsuei (20:46.053)
that I made as a teenager and young adult. And I'm just like, cringing to think about my voice that had through that, right? yeah. Yeah. I mean, even the mistakes that I still make now, like I'm just like, yeah, and I had to tell myself this morning to like, behavior is not the same as the person like a bad behavior doesn't equal a bad person. And I think that growing up, there was so much of that internalization of, like,
that means that I'm a bad person instead of the separation between the two. This morning I was actually having coffee with a woman who found me on the San Diego Startup Network. We were having coffee and I've seen this family before at this coffee shop. I think they were doing homeschooling, they're doing lessons or whatever, they're hanging out there. I don't know what happened, but suddenly I was overhearing the mom just like,
What in the world? Like, why would you even think that? Like, how could, like, I want you to have better thoughts and just like really going off. And I was having such a hard time focusing on the conversation with the person in front of me because I was, I mean, she was loud enough and doing it publicly enough. And like, there was the dad there and the sister. And again, I don't know, I did not see a large affront, like transpire. So I don't know what happened, but it was like a repetitive kind of like.
beating that idea into her. Like, why would you even do that? Why did you, you know, and this girl's young, she's probably 10 or under. And then afterwards, seeing her like hug her daughter and say like, love you and like, you know, all of that. And I was just having all sorts of feelings about it. just, you know, how I just kept thinking about her young mind. And like you said, our brains aren't fully like that whole rational thinking area of our brain.
not fully developing till we're 25 and like still making foolish choices and whatnot. And like just how much we internalize along the way and realizing like you said, like, cringing, thinking about like your boys going through that, or I'm thinking about my daughter going through that. And I know that there's kind of going back to like, there are things that we cannot control and like cannot protect, but we can prepare as best as possible. Yeah. And so if you could share like one key takeaway, because I feel like one of my biggest takeaways from learning yoga was just
Judy Tsuei (23:04.519)
power of the breath. And if we could just like have that power of the pause and the breath and even in business, like the power of the pause. We just did this module in my NLP training that was like, you have to make the offer and pause once you've made the offer with the pricing. And a lot of people can't feel comfortable in that pause. So then they start talking and then they talk themselves out of a sale. And I think that like just learning little things like the power of the pause, the power of the breath.
Is there anything else that you've seen has been really helpful? Kind of like your mantra in parenting. When Wilder was younger, it was always, this too shall pass, this too shall pass. Yeah, what have, can we kind of like practice? Yeah, no, I mean, I think you nailed it with those ones, Like the this too shall pass, the don't freak out, right? really, like my goal as a parent is to under react.
right, all the time, it's to under react and then I can like shift if I want to. But you know, honestly, I rely on the power of the pause and the power of my breath a lot as as a parent and honestly at work too. But it's like, you know, and and and I feel like there's a term for this that I'm blanking on right now too. But like real mindfulness and presence in the moment through tactile sensitivities, like something is going on, I'm going to put my hands on the counter and I'm going to feel.
Cool sensation under, right? You're like stepping back from that like wave of emotion that's happening and like grounding yourself in the moment. Even doing sessions or tough meetings with my team, I always have like a beverage because I can hold it in my hands and I can take a very strategic sip while I think about it, right? And that's gonna give me that pause, right? That opportunity to like choose how at least to like...
have a moment to try to choose how I want to respond to that instead of just getting swept away. I love your underwhelmed response or under react. That was such a great term and I appreciate that so much. actually knew that my default response, even if it wasn't an innate response, my default response was what I had been trained growing up, which was the volatile reaction from the adults around me and the complete lack of empathy or sympathy, but just like,
Judy Tsuei (25:28.071)
fall in line, be quiet, don't make a ruckus. And so I knew that that was programmed in me. So when my daughter, I told her from an early age, you can say to me, even though I'm the adult and I'm bigger or whatever, you can say, I need you to be more compassionate right now. Because I knew that what I would fall like veil in that area. And so she used it a lot. Like when she was having a moment, she would look at me and say,
I need you to be more compassionate right now. Why is your face looking like that? Because I was looking at this stone face. And the thing is, was like, my stone face is better than any response I would have gotten as a child. So I'm already improving here. But to have her say that helped me to snap out of whatever the trained response was, my default response, and be like, yeah, that's right. There's a small little human here who needs my help. And my heart to heart connection is that I want to help her.
And so I think that, you know, this kind of goes back to like intergenerational healing, knowing yourself, knowing how to like hack yourself, you know, like how if I know this is going to be a thing, what can I do? And so I feel like and we had friends who we stayed with in Austin while I was very young, she was like a year and a half. And from a very young age, we told her just take a deep breath, just take a deep breath. And so our friends just marveled at that. Like they were like,
That is so simple. And I wish someone had taught me that growing up, it would have helped me so much. And now they have a kiddo. And so they're like, that's one of the things that we've taught him from the get go was like, take a deep breath, take a deep breath. Like, and so I feel like, you know, we're gonna get it wrong. I'm gonna take your tip of underreacting. I'm gonna try to do that. Yeah.
That's a good two is like knowing that we're going to get it wrong, right? And having compassion for ourselves and compassion for our kids and like modeling that skill. So important. Yeah, just out of curiosity, because I feel like this happens with a lot of my friends who are therapists. Do people like censor themselves around you? Because they're like, you're a therapist, you're gonna like think about me.
Judy Tsuei (27:44.669)
Yes, or you I think it's like it's one or the other, right? Like people are like worried that you're going to judge them for parenting when honestly like last thing I would ever do, right? But then the the other end of the spectrum are the people who are like, you're a therapist, let me tell you everything that's wrong. I was raised in my childhood, right? So yeah, just a PSA on behalf of therapists everywhere. That's not party conversation. Yeah, so funny. That's very helpful where I'm like,
judging me. I'm like, you probably know the textbook answer to this. I'm just like, lalala. That's the thing that I mean, honestly, that's part of why I was I and still am like so drawn to this question of like, how do we support parents, right? Because I spent I mean, I came to motherhood later in life. I'm 45. I have an eight year old and a five year old, right? And I spent
nearly 20 years, 15 years working with parents before having kids and parents would always be like, well, do you have kids yourself? And I'd be like, well, no, but I have a PhD and I've been like doing this work for like a very long time. It's almost like a little offended by it. But then you have your own kids and you realize like why they're asking, right? Because like, as a parent, do I always do the right thing? Like the effective thing?
I absolutely do not. There are days that my kids are on the iPad all day. That's not my goal as a parent. That's not how I try to show up for a role. But we all do the best that we can with the tools that we have and the energy and ability that we have in the moment. so I think just anyone who is in the healing profession has so much empathy around that and around this shared experience.
being human, being imperfect, or at least any good provider will judge you then you know, not the person for you. Yeah. Yes. And that's a good point because there are providers out there who are not fantastic. I've experienced a few. And unfortunately, like if you try and that's not like the best experience, like I would encourage you to continue exploring because just like the whole gamut of humanity, like you're going to meet some great
Judy Tsuei (30:05.319)
people and you're going to meet some people who aren't so great. it's difficult because when you're in a profession like yours, it's so easy to put so much weight and stock into what that person says. And to like modulate that a bit and make sure like you're checking in with yourself, you know, like you have that healthy awareness around if they're a healthy provider. And trusting your instincts and your gut around that, right? Like you get to be you're the consumer here, you get to decide.
And if someone is saying things that don't resonate with you, don't feel right to you, don't sit right with you, that's not a commentary on you, right? That's commentary on the fit between you and the provider or on the provider's skillset, right? So absolutely, I mean, you're so right that that can be a barrier to care going in once trying in and then, but you know, sometimes you have to shop around before you find the person that's the right fit.
Right. And so knowing that there is variability there in personality and temperament and approach and honestly in skill set. So, yeah. So I always end every interview asking if you could say fuck saving face about something, what would you say fuck saving face about? my gosh, Judy. So many things.
Honestly, like my thing lately has been fuck saving face about like making a high quality like a complicated fancy dinner for my kids or cleaning my house and like chicken nuggets all the way. Don't judge me. This is you and I are both doing this program now this business accelerator. I just like do not have time. And I do not want to waste my energy making something that I think is delicious and my kids are just gonna bitch and moan about. So yeah.
Exactly. Thank you. I appreciate that. My therapist who I had seen recently, she was just like, you do not need to be making like a home cooked meal every single night. Like I don't know what you think that that's going to prove or like whatever just like and especially because before we had those communities where we had that support with one another. We had intergenerational families living together and everybody could play a role in supporting one another. And I think
Judy Tsuei (32:19.325)
kind of going back to what you said earlier, my daughters and Girl Scouts, we have these different communities that we purposely built because even the other moms will say, I just want to know that if my daughter is hanging out with like, you these other girls, that all the moms just kind of have an awareness about what's happening. What's unfolding, they can flag something if something's like, you know, happening or the girls can support one another. And I think that that's so important.
But we don't have those communities built in the way that we did before. And so to try to check all the boxes of making the food and running your business and then having a social life and keeping your relationship, it seems mind boggling. I mean, know people say all the time to me, how do you do it all? I don't understand. And I was like, I don't really know.
going figuring it out. No, it is though, right? I mean, I feel like I run run kind of ongoing support group for moms and some of these moms have been with me for three, four years at this point here, right? But it's I feel like the thing we constantly come back to is that all of this right like parenting, but even just being a human being is not like I hate the term like how do you find balance right? Like you don't find balance. It's like this ongoing
like river and what you're doing is like noticing where you are noticing when things are out of alignment and trying to reorient right and so being like okay well this month I've really dropped the ball here right so maybe I need to give a little more attention to that right like wow I traveled a lot for work I'm gonna really try to show up for my kids in this next month right or like kind of bailing some work stuff to do the PTA fundraiser like now I'm gonna like go back and write
And it's just this constant process of iterative development and noticing when things feel out of alignment and how do you realign, right? Without taking on responsibility or a sense of failure or success about it, right? Attributing that kind of ongoing value. And then being around other women who are in a similar boat. Because I was just texting you before we got on this interview of like, my carpool is running late.
Judy Tsuei (34:37.973)
You know, like, can you just like, I'm gonna log in 10 minutes later and you're like, totally fine. That's totally fine. Cause we understand, you know, just navigating all of the things. And this is like, you know, me trying to help because all the moms try to rally together to carpool our kids to Mandarin lessons. So like, it's a whole, yes, like you said, like I like that image of like floating down the river and being like, did that branch get me this time? Like where am I stuck? Where's the water backing up?
Yeah, but I think, you know, your carpool example, too, is like it is it's so much about community, right? Like everything that we've talked about today, I feel like comes back to this power of community for support, for normalization, right? For the shared experience, right? And the way in which that contributes to how we think about ourselves and how we're able to show up then. Absolutely. So if people want to follow up with you, how can they do so? Yeah.
They can totally find me on Instagram, Dr. Nina Kaiser, or to follow our center in San Francisco. post lots of parenting related stuff. We're on Instagram at practice.sf. Awesome. Thank you so much. my gosh. Thank you, Judy. Always a pleasure.
Thank you so much. There has been some big news in my world. was selected as a San Diego magazine 2024 Celebrating Women Marketing and Media Pioneer. So I just received that award. I also have some big news and I'm not allowed to share publicly yet, but I do have people asking if they can buy tickets and fly into town to see me. So thank you for supporting the Kickstarter. Thank you for.
sharing this podcast and listening to it and spending time here with me. I look forward to continuing to amplify our voices and to grow together. See you in the next episode.
Judy Tsuei (36:31.143)
Thank you so much for listening to today's episode. If you'd like to support me and this show, please go to iTunes and leave your review. It means so much to me and it'll help others find this podcast. I'll catch you in the next episode. And if you'd like to stay in touch between now and then, please visit wildheartedwords.com and sign up for my weekly newsletter. I've had people share with me that it's the best thing to arrive in their inbox all week. Aloha.
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Keywords: mental health, Asian Americans, stigma, parenting, community support, mindfulness, emotional health, collective grief, early intervention, cultural awareness
