Episode 123: The Audacity to Be You: Disrupting Expectations with Nicole F. Smith

Oct 7

In this episode, I interview Nicole F. Smith, a fellow Tory Burch Foundation alum and a remarkable emotional intelligence expert about being a disruptor in work and in life.

First off, a massive shoutout to the Tory Burch Foundation for opening applications for the upcoming year. This year-long program offers a unique opportunity for woman-identifying entrepreneurs to connect with extraordinary individuals, like Nicole. During our fellowship, we had the joy of being featured in promotional materials, capturing a beautiful moment of support and camaraderie.

Image of Judy Tsuei hugging Nicole F. Smith

As Nicole and I reflected on our journeys, it became clear that our experiences have been a source of validation—not in the conventional sense, but as a testament to living in our power and purpose. It’s a reminder that when you’re aligned with your authentic self, others take notice.

Meet Nicole: An Emotional Intelligence Expert

Nicole is the founder and CEO of JMS Creative Leadership Solutions, where she empowers individuals to maximize their emotional intelligence. This vital skill set allows us to navigate life more effectively, whether at work, home, or in our communities. Nicole's passion for emotional intelligence stems from her personal experiences growing up in an emotionally chaotic environment. She emphasizes that understanding and managing our emotions is crucial for success in life.

Her journey into emotional intelligence began after a pivotal moment in her corporate career. Faced with frustration and sadness over how a colleague impacted her emotional state, Nicole turned to emotional intelligence as a way to reclaim her power. This transformation not only impacted her career but also enriched her personal life and relationships.

Breaking Generational Curses

Nicole and I discussed how breaking generational curses can lead to healthier relationships. She shared her journey of being in a long-lasting marriage while navigating a family history marked by instability. Nicole learned to break the cycle through self-awareness and emotional intelligence, allowing her to show up authentically in her marriage and as a mother.

The significance of understanding one’s emotional triggers and learned behaviors can’t be overstated. As Nicole mentioned, “It’s important to know who you are before you can effectively show up for others.” This truth resonates deeply with anyone who has ever felt stifled by family expectations or societal norms.

Tips for Navigating Personal Growth

So, how can you begin this journey toward unapologetic self-acceptance? Here are some insights from our conversation:

Learn About Yourself: Take time to explore your likes, dislikes, and triggers. Understand who you are beyond the expectations of others.
Communicate Your Needs: Once you’ve learned about yourself, don’t hesitate to share this with those around you. Speak up about your preferences and boundaries.
Give Yourself Grace: Understand that you will have off days, and that’s okay. Allow yourself the space to learn and grow without self-judgment.
Set Boundaries: Establish boundaries that promote safety and respect in your relationships. Boundaries are not just limits; they are essential for maintaining your well-being.
Embrace the Journey: Personal growth is not linear. You will face challenges and setbacks, but they are part of the process. Remember, “You’re not a failure; you’re simply learning.”

Redefining Identity and Embracing Authenticity

Nicole also spoke candidly about her experience with identity—particularly as a person of mixed ethnicity. Navigating different cultural expectations and stereotypes posed challenges throughout her life. However, Nicole’s journey has led her to embrace her multifaceted identity fully. She encourages others to do the same, stating, “If I’m too much for you, then go find less.”

The concept of being a disruptor resonated with both of us. We discussed how questioning the status quo and challenging societal norms can often label us as troublemakers. Yet, Nicole beautifully redefined this notion, claiming her role as a disruptor means sparking curiosity and encouraging others to maximize their emotional intelligence.

A Call to Action

As we wrapped up our discussion, Nicole left us with an empowering message: “Walk your own path. Be who you want to be. F*ck saving face on being what everyone else thinks you should be.” This powerful statement encapsulates the essence of our conversation and serves as a rallying cry for anyone seeking to live authentically.

If you’re ready to embark on your journey of self-discovery and empowerment, take a moment to connect with Nicole through her website, TheNicoleFSmith.com, and follow her on social media. Together, we can embrace our true selves, break free from societal expectations, and create a future that honors our individuality.

Thank you for joining us on this exciting journey. Here’s to living authentically and unapologetically!

More about Nicole F. Smith

Nicole F. Smith is a dynamic keynote speaker and emotional intelligence coach who ignites passion and confidence in industry leaders. As the founder of JMS Creative Leadership Solutions, she delivers transformative workshops and presentations that (re)humanize the workplace, empowering individuals to embrace their extraordinary potential through the power of emotional intelligence.

With extensive expertise in talent management, human resources, education, and adult training, Nicole crafts engaging keynotes and interactive coaching sessions that blend theory with practical application. Her sessions extend beyond discussing team dynamics, conflict resolution, and empathy; they create a reflective experience that inspires participants and equips them with actionable insights.

Nicole is dedicated to maximizing emotional intelligence and unlocking the extraordinary potential within each individual. Prepare to embark on a journey of self-discovery and professional growth with her expert guidance.

Takeaways

Emotional intelligence is crucial for personal and professional success.
Breaking generational curses requires self-awareness and intentionality.
Internal work is essential for understanding oneself and improving relationships.
Setting boundaries is necessary for self-love and protection.
Embracing one's identity can be a journey of self-discovery.
Cultural expectations can impact personal growth and authenticity.
It's important to give oneself grace during the learning process.
Being a disruptor means challenging the status quo and redefining norms.
Self-acceptance is key to living authentically and boldly.
The journey of self-discovery is ongoing and evolves over time.

Episode Highlights

00:00 Introduction to Empowerment and Creativity

03:04 The Importance of Emotional Intelligence

06:05 Breaking Generational Curses

08:51 Navigating Relationships and Emotional Regulation

11:46 Embracing the Disruptor Within

15:06 Cultural Identity and Personal Growth

17:58 Finding Your Voice and Setting Boundaries

21:06 The Journey of Self-Discovery

23:48 Final Thoughts and Call to Action

Links Mentioned:

Judy Tsuei LinkedIn
Judy Tsuei Instagram
Judy Tsuei’s Kickstarter
Nicole’s website
Nicole’s LInkedIn book
Nicole’s Instagram
Nicole’s podcast

There may be affiliate links included in this blog post.

Support the movement at bit.ly/shamelessbook

Transcript:

Judy Tsuei (00:02.606)

Welcome to the F*ck Saving Face podcast where we're empowering mental and emotional health for Asian Americans and voices of color by breaking through taboo topics. Life may not always be pretty, but it is indeed beautiful. Make your story beautiful today.

In just a little bit, you're going to hear an interview with Nicole F. Smith.

who's a dynamic keynote speaker and emotional intelligence coach. She ignites passion and confidence and you're gonna hear it in her voice and the things that she talks about. And she delivers these transformative workshops that rehumanize the workplace. And it helps all of us tap into our extraordinary potential through the power of emotional intelligence. So she has this deep background in talent management, human resources, education and adult training, very much certified.

in all of these things. And she creates these opportunities and experiences for people to have healthier team dynamics, to have ways to go about conflict resolution. And she encourages reflection, personal reflection, which you will also see in the upcoming interview. I'm very excited to have her on the show. You will hear why and how we got to know each other. And in addition to that, I want to thank all of you.

those of you who have energetically, emotionally, financially supported the Kickstarter. As of the time of this recording, we are currently at $7,331 with 88 backers. You know that growing up in a traditional Chinese household, 88 is so lucky. We have 55 more days to go. I'm honored that within the first six hours of launch of this project, we became a Kickstarter project we love.

Within the first 24 to about 30 hours, we had our basic tier fully funded. And now we're going for those stretch goals. If you follow me on Instagram at Judy Tzwe, you will have seen a video. It was also posted on TikTok about how we and our Western culture don't really value creativity or even writing as much as

Judy Tsuei (02:05.998)

capitalism as much as achievement and accomplishment, as much as the left brain activities. And I think for any number of systemic reasons, but part of that, think is also, it feels safer when you can rationalize and explain things. Carl Jung always said, you know, there's nothing so satisfying to the human brain as to know the why behind something. So there's a lot of other stuff that we can't fully understand. This is in abstract art. It is in just our psyche, our healing journeys. There's

just so much potential for this richness. What our hearts often truly crave and care about is that storytelling. And so I'm calling you, if you are a creative, if you've ever boldly wanted to pursue something that was in your heart, or you have done it, to demonstrate to the world that this is worthy, that these stories need to be told, that writing and the art of storytelling, these are all important things that we can support and we can shift that narrative.

and we can place priority in the arts. My daughter, recently, we were told by her school principal that one of the measures passed to be able to bring back singing chorus. I grew up singing in chorus and it was such an integral part of my childhood. Whether or not you had a great voice, it was just this group thing that you could do. It was a creative thing that you could do, putting on a performance and seeing all of the smiling, happy adult faces in the audience.

You just felt a sense of accomplishment, but that was cut for so long. And so I hope that by you pledging this Kickstarter, go to bit.ly forward slash shameless book or click on any of the links that you see in the show notes and in all of my social media, then we can demonstrate to the world that this is important and it will continue to be important. Okay. Welcome to season five of the flex saving pace podcast.

We are here celebrating a couple of different things. One, my Kickstarter, the baseline goal was fully funded within 24 hours and now we're moving to the stretch goals. So this is why I'm so excited to have Nicole here, because she's going to be talking about step one of how to disappoint your parents in 10 shameless steps. There's that. We're also celebrating the fact that we were both Tory Burch Foundation fellows this last year. And then they just announced that applications are open for this upcoming year. So any...

Judy Tsuei (04:27.618)

woman identifying entrepreneur, highly encouraged that you join the program. It's a year long program where you get to meet other exceptional human beings like Nicole. And they took a photo of us on the last day and we were hugging and so happy and we had no idea they were gonna use that image as the image to market.

round of applications. So we are celebrating that because it was so adorable that these other Tory Burch Foundation fellows texted me and said, I want to be in on that hug. You guys look so great. So we are very happy about that because, you know, with all of these things that we're doing, it's this beautiful validation of sorts. And not that we're seeking external validation, but it's a great way to demonstrate when you're living in your power and your purpose, that other people recognize that as well. And that

They, Tori Burch actually sent me a message that they love the image so much because I know that was awesome. Yes, it makes them feel so good. It makes them feel good as an organization for investing in these women entrepreneurs. But also like we're just being genuine and authentic in that moment. We weren't trying to do anything. We weren't being silly. was genuinely like a hug. know, it was a hug. We love other.

And this is why Nicole is the perfect person. She is an emotional intelligence expert and a keynote speaker. so both of those things I think are so incredible. The keynote speaking, especially as, you know, Chinese American kid who grew up learning to not speak up and speak out, I think watching you and all of the work that you do and

you know, you are fire. And so I'm just going to turn it over to you to introduce yourself and your business and then we'll get into a juicy conversation. Well, thank you so much, Judy. I'm just excited about season five and I'm the first guest and we're on the Tory Burch Foundation homepage. I mean, all the things it's all it's all delicious, right? It's all good. I am Nicole F Smith. I am CEO and founder of JMS Creative Leadership Solutions. We are a boutique leadership development and coaching

Judy Tsuei (06:33.326)

practice where we sit on the foundation of emotional intelligence because I help individuals maximize their emotional intelligence so they can basically be emotionally brilliant every day. And what does that mean? It means being able to understand and process and label and manage your emotions as they happen professionally in the home and in the community. Judy, as you said, I keynote, I do workshops, I do

coaching, group coaching, individual coaching, but it is my mission to help people see how they can maximize or lean into their emotional intelligence because one thing I heard just today is emotional regulation is the number one skill set for people to have to be able to succeed in this thing called life. So we're here just to help do that. And I'm excited. I'm excited when I speak about it because it is a passion and

I just want to have that massive reach to people because it has brought so much peace and so much emotional power to my life that I want to just share it with everyone. And I want to because I know a bit about Nicole's story. And so this is for everyone and anyone. And you don't have to be raised in a household where you were taught this early on, because in fact, I don't think either of us were taught that early on. And we saw the opposite of what it was like to completely

be in households where everyone's dysregulated. And so I would love to hear, know, Nicole's also been with her husband for a long while by normal standards of relationships now, and you're a mom with two kids. And so I think that all of that is part of why you do this work. Yes. It's created success in your own life. But I'd love to hear how you even got started in this because

Again, we were not raised in those environments where we even knew that this was a thing. Yeah, we didn't even know about emotional regulation. So I did grow up, as Judy stated, she's heard my story, I did grow up in emotionally chaotic household. And it was just lack of communication. It's just no communication or is what me and my husband now called loud discussions. It was actually very, very combative, right? Yes. know, marriage and life is going to be confrontational at times. Absolutely.

Judy Tsuei (08:51.5)

but it does not need to be combative. And so as I moved through my childhood, I took note of the things that I did not like, right? Usually children emulate their parents or, you know, see those responses and we have those learned responses from our parents. Well, I was taking note of what I didn't want, but I was doing it unconsciously, if that makes sense. So as I moved through college, psychology degree, so I learned more about the brain and more about, you know, neuroscience and

We tapped on EQ, emotional intelligence, but not enough for me to go, huh, do I want to do that when I grow up? No. So it really hit me in the corporate world. I was in the corporate world for 26 years. So I basically grew up in the corporate world. So there was a lot of good, bad, and ugly there. But I want to say about 20 years in, 20 years in, I called the VP of finance an ass. I called him an ass because honestly he was one.

And you're laughing, Jay, but I'm sitting here going, we all have worked with one. We all can think of one right, right now as, as you hear my voice. But my mentor, when I called her, I was crying because I gave away my emotional power to him. I literally now allowed him to have to control over how I showed up, who I was. And I was so upset about that. And she said, why don't you start digging into more of emotional intelligence? And I was like, what?

And that was that was 20 years ago, almost 20 years ago. And I said, Yeah, let's let's look in. Let's look into that. And Judy, to your point, it has helped me not only professionally, it helped me personally, it helped me in the community. And there have been bumps, have been bumps along the way. But between my mom, my dad and my stepdad, I've been through 10 marriages and eight divorces. So with me and my husband being married now 26 years,

we have broken a huge generational curse. And I'm proud of that. But it was due to emotional intelligence, but that main piece of emotional intelligence of self-awareness and me learning about who I am and how I wanted to show up and lead, you know, in the workplace, home and community. because I don't know if your husband has been trained in the same, you know, modality. How, how? He's in finance. How has?

Judy Tsuei (11:17.358)

has your work encouraged other people around you? Because I think when you talked about breaking generational curses and a lot of the work in the book that I'm writing is to heal intergenerational trauma and make sure that we can create a new foundation for future generations. I see people who are trying to navigate the external world. And my therapist always says when you're organized on the inside, you don't need to try to make the outside so organized. Yes. And love it.

That was helpful for me, but also in my lived experience, once I started embracing who I am and showing up in those ways, those healthier ways, then the relationships around me had to change because just by pure like physics, like if you are different, the dynamic has to be different. Absolutely. But not everybody approaches it that way. And so we try to manage like, you need to do this differently. You need to do this better. Like, you know, all of that. And so in interpersonal relationships, as you are a wife and a mother and

you know, a business owner and all of these things, how, what tips do you have to give for someone who, you know, doesn't know that yet or is struggling? Well, I think something important that you said is that internal work that you have to do with emotional intelligence, it is about understanding and understanding your emotions and being able to manage your behavior and then be able to understand it and influence others. See, we're going to Google

And it's going to say manage yourself and manage others. And I need people to just ignore that part on Google because you need to manage you and influence others because people around you are going to see, I like how she or he is showing up. She's getting what she desires. She seems, as they say, she seems to be lucky. Well, yeah, it's because I'm now being very intentional with how I show up.

I'm not leaning back in my bag of learned responses that I had from childhood. I sit back and I go, okay, my next actions, how is that going to serve me? And my next actions include, you know, my words, how I speak, how I, you know, move my body language, my tone and so forth. And friends, I'm not saying I've been perfect through it all. You know, I've had moments where I'm like, okay, gotta try that again tomorrow.

Judy Tsuei (13:38.646)

Because it's not going to be perfect. I strive for peace and I strive for my emotional power. And so with me, my husband, basically growing up together, because we met in college, we went in knowing what we wanted and what we didn't want, even at a young in our young 20s. Right. He had, you know, dealings with his parents, his parents were divorced as well. And then with mine and all of all of it in my childhood, we both went in knowing what we did not.

want, but we knew we were going to fight for each other. And with that fighting for each other means you have to understand who you are. And you have to understand that no, I'm not going to go out and hurt the people that are close to me intentionally because of who I am and how I wanted to show up. And then just us being together for so long, just, we've kind of grew together in our learnings and our lessons in this and

We've had humility, we've had being humble with each other, being apologetic with each other, saying when we're wrong, saying, hey, I liked when you did that, thank you very much, I appreciate you. But then again, like you said, naturally, you just exude that energy around you and some people are gonna drop off and you're also gonna gain some wonderful dynamic people around you all at the same time. So it's a beautiful process. It's just you have to do the work and be able to

get on that path and walk the path. Yeah, that internal work is not easy. It's not. It's not easy. And you're not going to it's not sitting here looking to a dark psyche of yourself. It's understanding your likes, your dislikes, your triggers, your biases and spotlighting your strengths. Being aware of your weaknesses, you know, it's it's it's all of all of that. But until you know who you are, you're not going to show up to others.

in the way that you think you're going to show up. You have to know who you are. love that you're saying that it doesn't have to be this deep dive of your like dark psyche. Because I think there's also that general perception like, if you're going to do internal work, you better get ready for all the shadow work. But I love your saying, highlight the strengths highlight, you know, and even just hearing you say to your partner, like, I like when you do this, it's like that positive affirmation that we do with our kids, like way to go, you did this, and this was so great. Well, and

Judy Tsuei (16:02.766)

Coming back to the step one, walk loud, talk loud, be loud, because I was told everything that I did was too loud. I was always too much. And I think anybody who's listening to this podcast can probably relate to that. You've probably been told you were too much, whether you were overtly told you were too much or subtly told. You're just being the black sheep of the family, just like the outcast, the one who just potentially you were the one who spoke the truth that nobody else wanted to hear or all of the things. That part. That part.

And the people got mad. But I love that you're saying it because in your work, really embracing being this disruptor. So can you talk about that? my gosh. OK, so I have recently embraced that I am a disruptor. Listen, it's always been in the back of my mind, right? But when I was in the corporate world, I was always told you're such a disruptor or some sort of fashion, right? They use some words, synonym to that word.

And I was like, ugh, and always had a derogatory turn to it. And this is what I was doing in the workplace. were probably like, what were you doing? Yeah, I was turning tables over and causing a ruck. No, I wasn't doing any of that. What was I doing? I was questioning the status quo. I was asking questions. I was giving my opinion. I was leaning in before leaning in was a thing, right? I was sitting at a table that I wasn't invited to. was just going in and grab a seat. You know, I was that.

I was that person who was like, there's a chair at the table. I'm going to sit that that was me. I think I was beyond my years and just the way I would think. Right. I would always take other people's thoughts and feelings into consideration when decisions had to be made or when problems had to be solved. And that wasn't the thing back in the nineties when I was, in the corporate world or early two thousands. And so I always used to say, well, I don't want to be a disruptor. So then what that did Judy, that was, I felt myself like I was.

quieting myself. was dimming my own light, if that makes sense. Because growing up, I was told I was nosy. I was told that I talked too much. And listen, today I speak on stages, right? I was told that I just, you there's times I just, you're too much. And this is where I say, if I'm too much, well, then you need to go find less. Because this is, this is who I am. So now today, here I am in 2025, going on 50 years old, and I'm going, I'm going to embrace this disruptor and what

Judy Tsuei (18:27.57)

I'm going to do is give myself permission to define it how it fits me and my identity. And that is I shift perspectives, I redefine mindsets, I spark curiosity, and I help you maximize your EQ as well as maximizing mine. That's being a disruptor. So if that means that I'm a disruptor and I'm

quote, challenging the status quo or making you think just beyond where you are today, well, then I'll take that label. That will be me. And I'm standing, I think I told you this the other day when we talked, I'm standing firm in it. This is who I am. But Judy, what I've learned too, is that if I'm gonna be a disrupter, because not everybody's gonna understand the definition, my definition, right? Then I have to learn to accept the consequences that come.

with that. And so this is where I say if you're if you're ready for me to be a catalyst for change for you, if you're ready to be that change in in this world that it needs right now, then I'm I'm your one. I'm the girl. But if you are going to frown your nose at about it or you're there's going to be some consequences to it, then it's just it's just then it's not going to work between us. love that you are redefining. And I think that for so many of us, whatever we did when we were little and just naturally came to us.

Then it was probably tamped down if the people around you didn't understand that. So like I was naturally drawn to being in the school play. I was always like the star of the show. I played Rosa Parks when I was in fourth grade, which in my mind had no idea like I was not a black woman. So I'm like, cool. But then when I got to junior high and I didn't get a part and then the director.

was like, okay, well, I'm not gonna take away apart from somebody else. You can be the next most important part in the play, second to the director, which is the prompter. But you're be behind the scenes in every single scene. And so that felt to me like it validated what my family had said for so long, which is you're too much, you're too much, why do you always wanna be seen? And so because of that, then I completely shifted and was no longer...

Judy Tsuei (20:39.872)

Like I just got really quiet. Yes. But then now, yes, like similar to what you said, you're like, but now you speak on stages and now I have a podcast. I was shy. Exactly. I was shy in middle school and high school. It took everything in my soul for me to try out for the college dance team. I played basketball in high school, but I don't feel like I really showed up because it's just.

You I had to be meek and yes, I was shy. When I tell people I was shy, they're shocked. They're like, really? But you turn that around. You redefine it for yourself. And I think so many of us are on that journey. But I also think that it's wise to understand the consequence of what you're going to do. Like me putting this book out, my close friend was like, what is your family going to say about this? like, I've asked that question. I've thought about that question. And I understand there will be a consequence to what I do.

and weighing that, or at least understanding that that's part and parcel with what it is when you are owning your power and telling your story. And then how are you gonna navigate it? I even thought about it this morning. Thank goodness I have a therapist who I know as I start to dive more into this and more of the writing process, I'm probably gonna need to lean into her as a resource because potentially stuff will come up. knowing that, yeah, I think that what...

like your idea of redefinition, your idea of understanding the consequences, and then just doing it boldly and understanding if someone can't handle you, that is not your problem. That is not your problem. I love you saying like, you go find less. Go find less, go find less. Listen, as long as I know that I'm being authentic.

I'm being intentional. That's one thing my friends always tell me is I'm very intentional. Like even on social media, I'm very intentional with what I post, what I say. As long as I'm authentic, intentional, I'm kind, and I'm genuine. I am not intentionally trying to hurt people's feelings. If I do, I will apologize for it because that is not my intent. But as long as I know I'm showing up and I'm leading in a manner that today my...

Judy Tsuei (22:49.73)

Family would be proud, my husband, my children. I have two young men that are looking at me and I am just in awe of how they show up. And it's, say, because we see you mom, but they didn't see me in middle school and high school when I was shy, right? They're seeing me now being bold and dynamic and being audacious. I love that word, being audacious. Especially when people say, do you have the audacity? I go, yes, I do. I'm being audacious.

So my children see me now, which I'm loving because now I can see to them, I see that fire in them. And this is, know, I did a keynote last week where I said, maybe the journey isn't about becoming. Maybe it's about unbecoming all the things that were placed on us when we were growing up that did not allow us to be who we truly wanted to be. My desired state to just be, right?

So this is where, you know, I'm done becoming. Now I'm just gonna be now. This is just, this is it. Take it or leave it, find less. But this is where I encourage not only you, but all of us, all of my sisters to show up and just be and give yourself permission to do so. So I wanna ask you a question because we are pulling in.

cultural backgrounds and like, you know, the race that we come from, like the society that we're in. For me, culturally, all of this stuff is like super taboo, not okay. And then I think for you, and I know that you've spoken about this before, about being seen as like, you know, whatever stereotype people have. Can you speak to that and like how that's, you know, impacted your mindset or anything like that?

The stereotype, you know, I grew up, I'm of mixed ethnicity, but I grew up in a black household. The things that culturally were swept on the rug was mental health. You you want to talk about that, go to the church, pray about it, that type of thing. And I do feel that if our family did talk about it more, you know, things might have been a little different. really can't detail what would have been different, but I feel like like it might have been a little different. think people have been more open to

Judy Tsuei (25:09.098)

accepting and supporting. So, you know, that was a cultural thing, you know, for for me, because I am of mixed heritage and mixed ethnicity, sometimes there were times where I didn't know what I wanted to be. It's like, you know, I'm Afro Latina, but it's like, you know, do I lean more into one side than the than the other side? And so I didn't know I didn't know who who I was. I knew who I was, but not.

you know how I wanted to show up, especially in the in the workplace. And so I battled with that or I that was a challenge for me in high school and in college because really I saw the split of races in college and other ethnic cultural groups and so forth. And so was like, do I go to that side? I go to this side? So that was also weighing on me in regards to my identity and how I showed up and so forth. So it's like, you know,

dancing and all that good stuff. It was like, you you dance like a white girl or you think you don't dance like a black girl. I like, what? was just it was just a whole lot going on at that at that time. And then when you know, I went into the corporate world, it wasn't so much as a challenge, but I was still seen as a woman of color in in the in the workplace. But now coming out, I think what I'm what I'm getting over now is coming out of the corporate world.

And nobody talks about that transition of your identity from there and how you show up. So when I first came out of the corporate world, I was called corpority. I was like, that's a nice additive. Okay. And, know, and again, again, identity, identity. And then I had to conform to what people want me to be. Can I wear sneakers on stage when I do a keynote? Is that professional? Is that not corporate enough? Is that not, you know, so it's like,

identity when I was growing up, identity when I was in college, identity when I was in corporate world, identity when I popped out of the corporate world. And so now this is why I'm really standing strong on embracing who I am because now I got that inner work going. And it's a journey that inner work going now I know how outwardly I do identify. Not too sure if that answered your question or not. But that's just in regards to, you know, your identity and how to how to show up.

Judy Tsuei (27:27.222)

So how would you tell somebody else who maybe is newer to this journey of, you know, being unapologetically themselves? What tips would you give someone who's exploring that? What tips? Number one, I would say take the necessary time to learn you, but not only take the time to learn you, but also to be able to speak up to others about you.

And what I'm saying is if you don't like something, if you do like something, if you're saying, you know, I don't want people to say, well, this is just who I am accepted. No, I want you to truly take time to learn yourself, love yourself. You know, take time for yourself. Go out there and find out what you do like to do. You know, those things that you like to do professionally and personally. I know about a year ago, I said, I had an epiphany. I was like,

I know what I love to do. And my husband was like, what is that? He was like, what? And I was like, I like to take things that people make complex and it shouldn't be hard and break it down into manageable pieces because if we keep using the excuses hard, it's an excuse for our poor behavior or how we show up and so forth. So I was like, that's what I love to do.

And Judy, once I said, once I learned that about myself, it's like now working day to day and doing what I do. It's like, I enjoy it. I'm leaning into it. Right. It's like, that's not so hard. So my first step would be learn, learn about yourself. And then the second step I would be, be comfortable enough to tell others, be able to tell others what you, you know, about you, who you are, how you show up, what you like, what you don't like and so forth. And this is where you may lose some people.

But this is where you might gain some, some people as well. Give yourself grace. We give everybody so much grace. Everybody else gets so much grace. I want you to give yourself grace and know that if you fumble through the day, that's fine. Go get some rest, wake up the next morning and try again. And that's the beauty of tomorrow, right? You get to try again, but give yourself grace. Don't be so hard on yourself. Stop speaking negative to yourself.

Judy Tsuei (29:47.156)

affirm who you are. You know, you're beautiful, you're wonderful, you're amazing, you're badass, all that stuff, right? I think that's the biggest tip is give yourself grace. and the last one, set those boundaries, my friends. The boundaries are there for you to love others as you love yourself. Your boundaries are there to help protect you against you, right? So make sure you set those boundaries and stick with them. It's going to be hard.

It is going to be hard, but it's going to be so worth it. And if you're going to be that disruptor, then come on, join the club, be that disruptor with me. We'll give each other grace. But I think those are the main tips I would give right now. love everything about that, especially the boundaries part. Recently, someone reframed it and said, you know, boundaries are what feels safe for all of us. We all need those boundaries and keeping out things.

keeping in things, but that you can see boundaries as safe rather than what you said, you know, instead of seeing everything as hard, but like, okay, so if it's meant to create safety, how can I do that? And how can I create that safety for myself? And, you know, I think that that other part of what you were sharing in terms of grace and affirmations, I mean, everybody before we got on here, Nicole was practicing affirmations right before we hopped on. So again, she's walking the walk.

Not just talking the talk, which is very wonderful. And your first one about knowing yourself and knowing what you do like and what you don't like. think if you've had to conform to anybody else's expectations for a long time, that you don't even know. I didn't know until I started doing therapy in my mid 20s that, wait, I don't actually know what I

do you like and what I don't like? Like even just looking at a list of colors, like I'm like, I don't know what I prefer or I don't know what music I like to listen to necessarily or just any like the super basic things. just hadn't even taken the time to figure that out. And so I love that your

Judy Tsuei (31:59.658)

recent epiphany happened a year ago and like we are continually evolving. Yes, and growing and figuring that out. I mean, even as business owners to just in the midst of a rebrand that we're doing for my branding and marketing agency, realizing exactly what you just said, you know, what we do really well is we take very complex concepts and we distill them down into very understandable, consumable, manageable ways. And so if that's one of our superpowers and with the niche clients that we work with, then that's something that we can bring forward and highlight.

but it's all this continual evolution and like, you know, testing, being, doing, trying, exploring and failing and you're going to fail. does not mean you are a failure. Yeah. And this is where I say fail forward. So, you know, you know what you're landing on, right? And get yourself back up and dust yourself off and keep going. Listen, being a founder and being an entrepreneur, whoo, it's not for the weak. It's not.

for the week and what I am now trying to do in my identity and how I show up is take what I've learned from the corporate world and transfer it over because I always used to break down processes and procedures and complex things and so forth, but there was nobody there to guide me and say, Nicole, this is what you're good at. You know, I always did that. But at that time of quote, growing up in the corporate world, I would have this attitude of duh, why y'all making this so hard? You know, versus saying,

Okay, let's take something complex and break it down. So this is where I tell people when you learn about yourself, you'll realize some of the talent that you were doing years ago, right? If that is your jam, if that's your groove, if you feel good in that zone of genius, take a look at that because that could really be your area of expertise. yeah, and you know, whether you're an entrepreneur or whether you're in the nine to five, whichever.

Find your zone of genius because that is who you are and lean into that. And like I said, stop becoming. Just be, just be in it. Yes, and make failure okay. Like failure and make failure okay. That's a big learning. Yes. Give yourself grace. Give yourself grace. Face and grace. All right, so

Judy Tsuei (34:11.998)

As I always close every episode, I say if you could say fuck saving face about one thing, what would you say fuck saving face about? fuck saving face. Gosh. my gosh. I'm sitting here like you got me speechless for the first time Judy. Fuck saving face on walking in everyone else's steps. Walking your own path. Walking your own your own way.

Be who you want to be. who, you know, what brings you joy. You know, fuck saving face on being what everybody else thinks you should be. I love it. So you're gonna get me on a roll now. I mean, I'm sitting here going, I'll probably look, I'll email you later and go, here's another one. But yeah, just, you know, walking in other people's steps. Walk your own path. You, you were put on this earth.

to walk your own path, not in someone else's. And it took some time for me to figure that out. And the steps are getting easy. I decide how fast I wanna run or how slow I wanna walk. How about that? I like it, I love it. And if people wanna follow up with you, where can they learn more about all the work that you're doing? Yes, you can go to my website. It is thenicollfsmith.com.

The same on Instagram, same handle on Instagram, the Nicole F Smith. I'm also on LinkedIn, Nicole F Smith. And yeah, reach out to me. I am one who does engage on social media, because I think social media is fun. But I do engage. But if you reach out to me, I will definitely reach back. Wonderful. Thank you so much for being our inaugural guest. This was so much fun. And Judy, I have to say they always say, you know, give

flowers while the person is still walking this earth and I want to give you your flowers today. You are doing an amazing, amazing job, amazing work. You are a wonderful mother and you're just a wonderful human being and I'm glad you're in my life. Thank you. Thank you. Absolutely. Thank you for tuning into today's episode. Stay tuned for next week where we explore step two.

Judy Tsuei (36:32.032)

of how to disappoint your parents in 10 shameless steps.

Judy Tsuei (36:37.88)

Thank you so much for listening to today's episode. If you'd like to support me and this show, please go to iTunes and leave your review. It means so much to me and it'll help others find this podcast. I'll catch you in the next episode. And if you'd like to stay in touch between now and then, please visit wildheartedwords.com and sign up for my weekly newsletter. I've had people share with me that it's the best thing to arrive in their inbox all week. Aloha.

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Keywords: F*ck Saving Face podcast, Judy Tsuei, Nicole F. Smith, emotional intelligence, personal growth, cultural identity, storytelling, creativity, generational curses, self-discovery, empowerment, relationships, boundaries